A visitor

I had a visitor today! An old friend, so to speak. I haven't seen her in so long and I had almost forgotten what her smile looked like and what her laugh sounded like. She has been away. She went on a trip after college and got caught up in her wedding planning, and moving from place to place. She got a job and had babies. She popped in rather unexpectedly and I was delighted. She made me stop and think, and bake cookies and have a revelation!

It seems like I have been in high gear for a couple of years now and I've been so busy with the "doing" of life and all of the business of running a home, keeping a job and raising children that I have found very little time, "being". I don't smile or laugh, much. I don't do things because they are fun, I do them because that is what you are supposed to do. Even the things that I enjoy, like cooking, scrapbooking, planning parties and reading are done with a sense of purpose and with the end goal in mind. I have always been a "save the dessert for last" type of person. Very disciplined. Do your work first and then you can go out and play. But, it seems that there has been so much work to do, that I never have time to play! I also know that I tend to keep myself busy, so that I don't think too much... but this usually just backfires and I think and my mind races and spins and doesn't really make any sense.

I put on my vision board for this year, lots of open space and simple pictures of fields of flowers and words like "time", "space for creativity", "relaxation". These all symbolize the strong desire I have to "stop and smell the roses", as it were BUT it seems that every time I stop to smell them, I notice that they need some water, or dead heading, or that there are aphids or powdery mildew and that sends me off to complain to the chief gardener or to Lowe's for some kind of spray! I am a doer...I am obsesive and compulsive...I have been told that I have ADD...I have a hormone imbalance (who doesn't after a couple of kids!?) I get depressed. These things are not new to me, but the extra weight of home and family are and I don't think that I have quite yet learned how to juggle it all! (Yes, I have been a Mom for 6 years, but only a Mom of two for two years!)

I packed last month full of activities to keep me and the kids busy. I thought that if we were busy and out and about, we would have more fun. We wouldn't fight, we wouldn't clash. It was summer after all and there is so much to do and see and enjoy. I was wrong! We got TIRED and CRANKY and worn out! (Especially ME!) This week has been so different. The weekend was slower and had less going on and the only "outside" activity was church. Monday, Gavin went to Robot camp and Ella and I had the morning to ourselves. We went to the market and then home so that I could work on my "bills and paperwork". I made great headway and even had lunch laid out so that after we returned from getting Gavin we could all just sit down and eat. I felt calm and my head was quiet. The kids played together, inventing games that might end one of them in the E.R., but they are having fun. They have been fighting, but as I listen from the other room, perched to rescue if needed, I hear them resolving things and working it out.

Today, was busy in the a.m. I took Gavin to camp and Ella to the office and then to a concert and then back to the office and then to visit her preschool and then to pick up Gavin and then home for lunch. (whew!) After lunch I felt my usual sleepiness coming on and although I felt slightly guilty (because Andy was working really hard in the yard) I spread out on the couch and took a 1/2 hour snooze. I got up and still felt "woozy" but went through some more papers and put away some laundry. Then, I spied my book. That's when she showed up! My old self. The one who would read a novel in a day if it was a good one. The one who knew how to take a time out. The one who was really good at getting things done, mostly because she knew how to take care of herself. I felt like I was sneaking off with another man! I got comfy on my bed with a pillow propped behind me, Andy sweating it out in the yard and the kids vascilating between bickering and playing so nicely in the living room. I cracked the book and thought, what's a chapter!? I spent about an hour, reading! RELAXING! Reading a book that was not about my 6 year old, my 2 year old, potty training, raising a son, my active alert child or any other general parenting topic! I felt, ummm... Happy! I felt, peaceful. I did not, would not, let myself feel guilty!

When Ella came in for a cuddle, I happily indulged her. When Gavin came in and wanted to have a tickle fest, I was all game. We played! We laughed. At that very moment, I loved being a Mom. I haven't had a lot of those moments. I realized that the day was quickly slipping away and I went to make dinner. It was, fun! We had a Thai Coconut Shrimp Soup and dim sum. Nobody got in trouble at the table and everyone ate everything on their plates.
We decided to go for a swim and I swam too! I think that everyone was surprised! (how sad) I am usually so tired that I just sit on the sidelines and watch. Today, I let Ella swim to me and hang on me and I threw Gavin in the water and we splashed each other and squirted each other and I laughed! My old, big hearty laugh. The real one! I did a cannon ball! It was gloriously HUGE and I realized that a big bottom IS good for a couple of things!

When we got home, I helped the kids get ready for bed. While I rubbed backs I didn't feel like I needed to run away. I felt like I could stay and do that all night. After they had settled in, I headed to the kitchen and I baked cookies. Just to bake! I can't remember when I was productive in the evening! Usually, I plant my rear on the couch as early as possible and watch t.v. Show, after show until I either fall asleep or realize that it is after midnight and I have to be up in 6 hours. Tonight, I feel different! I even did the dishes! For those of you who don't know, I have a "self cleaning" kitchen. I make a HUGE mess and miraculously it gets clean, every single night. From what I understand there is only one of these in the entire world, we are working on a new version, but we won't know how it turns out for about 18 years or so.

I just looked at the time and it is only 10:30! I did all of that! I still have time to brush my teeth, wash my face AND watch a little t.v.... or get back to my book. I think that I have figured out one of the missing pieces in my life! Me! I know that all of the books and magazines say, "Take time for yourself". But you really have to DO that. Not go through the motions of it. You have to do it in your head and in your heart. You have to love yourself, and mean it.

A visit...from an old friend. A younger, happier version of me! I invited her to stay. I have missed her so much! I offered her my spot at the kitchen table and my side of the bed. I really hope she stays.