The end of another year!?!

Yup, another one in the books.

I really can't beleive it. I thought that this might be THE year. The year I stopped yelling, the year I found peace and joy in every mommy task and moment, the year that I stayed on top of projects and household tasks, the year that I caught up (on work, on bills, on scrapbooking), the year that I made more money, the year that I ceased to fight with or be angry with my husband, the year that all of my questions were answered.

It wasn't.

But, it was the year that I finished my masters degree, and got my teaching credential. It was the year that I realized that relying on others and God, was not as scary as I thought that it might be. It was the year that my husband and I came to a new level of understanding and commitment to each other and our marriage. It was the year that I got my first teaching job. It was the year that my baby boy turned 9 and my baby girl turned 5, the end of an era for each of them in a way. It was the year that I found out, who my friends are and what that means to me. It was a year full of fun, trials and learning. A year full of tears, laughter and joy.

Another year of growth and "becoming".

Another year.

Another, coming.

Settling In

Things are settling down, we are finding our new rhythm and adjusting to the new schedule. My meltdowns are less frequent and not as dramatic and I am feeling more confident and in control. At first I was breaking down in tears every couple of days...either because I was overwhelmed by the amount of work in front of me, insecurities about the "office politics", or the feeling of failure to be a great wife and mother amidst it all.

Now, I feel like I am done freaking out (I am not saying that I won't still freak out on occasion). But, I am chaneling my energy in a more positive way and I am finding ways to connect with my husband and kids. I may not spend as MUCH time with them, but I am trying to make sure that the time is QUALITY. Today, Gavin and I played a couple of rounds of War and I sat with Ella while she picked out her clothes for the week. Andy and I took advantage of a kid free two hours on Sunday and sat together before heading out to Target.

The holidays are coming and I know that they will provide some more challenges to overcome, but I am ready. Heck, they are coming whether I am ready... or not.

Who has time?

I do not have time to blog, I do not have time to think, I barely have time to breathe! Work is good, but full of challenges. Home is good and full of joy. Today, I am home sick. I tried REALLY hard to have a clean time sheet for the month, but last night I had a fever of 100 degrees and decided I had better just stay home to rest. I am resting, but I am trying to get a head start on lessons for next week at the same time.

I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss so many things but only because I have so many other amazing things to fill my time!

Tonight is Gavin's first Webelos meeting and he is so excited that he has read huge chunks of his handbook already! Soccer is going great! We think Ella likes it and know that Gavin LOVES it!

The Halloween decor has started to appear so, even though the 101 degree weather tells me differently, I know that Fall is really here!

Onwards and Upwards!

A new school year is under way!

Ella with her Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Pimper. She is really cool and Ella is having loads of fun!

My sassy fashion plate striking a pose, please note her crazy brother trying to get some attention in the background.

My big upper grader! We cannot beleive that he is in the 4th grade. He has been rising to the challenges so far. He gets to walk to school by himself and even ride his bike one day a week.

Back to School! Yay! I think! Busy and tired pretty much sums up the way I am feeling. I am not sure yet, but I think that being a first year teacher requires almost as much work as my Masters classes! I have stayed late at work almost every night and last week had Parent Orientation and a teacher In service. The kids have started soccer and Ella is back in dance. Tomorrow we will attend the Cub Scout welcome party together. We have been attending a new church and are enjoying it. Especially the kids who are loving having a large group of peers to interact with. (Our Jr. Church program at our former church was extremely small and many weeks it was just the two of them!) I do not have time to write much as it is dinner time on Saturday and I have yet to go to the grocery store! I also have work to do for work. eeek. I did take a nap today, but it did not help much. Hopefully a quiet evening at home with my family will cure what is ailing me and I can get recharged for another week of adventure!

The kids are settling in well to their school schedules and Ella has already had her first Back to School cold. She shared it with Andy, so he is a bit under the weather today but he still took time to kick the soccer ball around with the kids. We will be having a gourmet dinner tonight, prepared by my personal chef. Oh... sorry... I slipped into a fantasy for a moment! We are having chicken nuggets and mac and cheese (the yellow kind from a blue box) for dinner tonight. Neither Andy or myself could muster the energy for much more.

I am learning how to juggle all of the responsiblity of working full time, taking care of my family and home and not forgeting to take care of ME too. Last week I got a C for that one. Two nights I was showered with my teeth brushed and in bed reading a book before 10. Those were A nights. Two nights I fell asleep on the couch in a crazy contourted position, watching trash reality t.v. and then crawled off to bed with fuzzy teeth, stripped off my clothes and colapsed. It was after midnight. Those nights earned my an F. Good thing we work on averages here!

Looking to more A days in all ways. Wish me luck.

Vacation : Part II

So, we took the vaca up north and then we came home for a few days because the kids had Reading Club parties at the library and Andy had to work for a day and a half. Then, we packed up and headed south to San Diego. We stayed at my Dad and Stepmom's place which we affectionately call "Casa de Cutler". It was really awesome to visit with them without all of the chaos and mayhem of the holidays and loads of other guests around.

We stayed for a week and did LOTS of sight seeing. My dad was able to take some time off and join us and we got to see Leah in the evenings and on the weekend. We ate some awesome meals and had plenty of time to relax.

Our first day, we went to Balboa Park. While there we visited the Japanese Friendship Garden

and then headed to the Museum of Man. Later, we lunched near the Arboretum and walked through it to see all of the plants.

The next day we were off on a boat ride with my Dad out on Mission Bay. Ella and Gavin each got a chance to drive.

We couldn't seem to get enough of boats and bays, so we went down to Seaport Village to take the SEAL (Sea and Land) tour. It is a bus that turns into a boat and Ella was infatuated with the idea of riding it.

While out on the water we saw lots of boats and military aircraft... and ... Sea Lions!

The kids were made Jr. First Mates! They thought it was pretty fun, and so did we!

We went to an old haunt, "Rockin' Baja Lobster" and had a great dinner before heading to Sea World to catch the night shows and fireworks. We had been on another day to hang out and ride the "wet rides", my Dad and cousin Valerie and family joined us that day.

The weekend came fast and we were off to the Cabrillo Monument and Lighthouse. I read the kids a book called, "The Ghosts of Cabrillo Lighthouse" that my Gramma had given me as a kid. It put some excitement into the visit!

At the Cabrillo Monument the kids did the Jr. Ranger program and learned a bit about Cabrillo and the Spanish explorers.

The got to try on the armor and check out a sword! Doesn't Ella look ready for battle?

On our last day, we went to visit my Dad's horse, Shadow. We all had a chance to ride and then the kids got to brush him down before he settled in for the night. I am an experienced rider, but was a bit leery of Shadow, he has been known to be rascally. I would not have had my Dad lead him, but I had Ella and did not feel like I could control him and keep her on at the same time.

Andy really loves riding, even though he has only been a few times.

Gavin fell in love with riding last summer and would love to take lessons (and own a horse!)

So, that was our trip. Now we are looking back on the memories and looking ahead to the school year! Hope that you found ways to connect, relax and enjoy the summer!

Y'all ready for this?

Back to school!!!! I had really hoped to have my newest post done before this day, but alas... that has not occured. I have some thoughts brewing around in my head that have only partially made it to "paper", but they will have to wait!

In the mean time, here are the pics from our vacation (Part 1 at least). They are not in order, because Blogger kind of sucks that way. I still have not found a successful way to move the pics around... have you?

We started our camping trip in Pismo Beach, then drove Highway 1 to Monterey and then headed to the Redwoods of Santa Cruz. We traveled with some of our favorite friends who rented a motorhome so that they could join us on the adventure. We parted ways in Santa Cruz, they headed home and we journeyed on to the Jelly Belly Factory where we took the super deluxe floor tour! We stopped for a few days to visit family in Fresno and then headed home for a couple of days.

Vacation Part 2 was in San Diego, and maybe tomorrow I will have time to post some pics from that! For now, I have finished my duties for the evening and am going to sit on the couch and watch "smut" as my husband refers to it. The Bachelor Pad.. pretty smutty.... but hillarious.

The kids anxiously awaiting to go in for our tour of "Mecca"

All suited up and ready to see Jelly Belly's being made!

The entire crew (minus the photographer!)

Gavin in front of the train that we rode through the redwoods. He might be 9, but he still thinks that trains are pretty darned cool!

Dad and Ella exploring the Tide Pools along 17 mile drive in Monterey (now dubbed 17 HOUR drive by our family)

Those crazy dunes in Pismo.. boy did they have a BLAST!!!!!

Dad and Ella in front of the one remaining bridge at Natural Bridges - Santa Cruz

View of Morro Rock - ummmm.... yeah... it was cold.... and this was one of our warmer days.

A 5 year old silly girl, some stickers and a 4 hour car ride produces some outlandish photo ops.

On Vacation

I am around! We are still on vacation. Even though we are at home. We headed North and froze to death at the beach, marveled at the Redwood forest and visited the birthplace of Gavin's favorite candy. I am not going to go into detail now, but promise to post pictures soon. We are home for the weekend to rest and do laundry and get ready to head South to San Diego for a week of play and rest down there!

I found the coolest website, Food On The Table, that helps utilizes the sales at your local market and creates a menu for you for the week. Since I am headed out of town, I just did a quick meal plan and found it to be easy, fast and wicked cool! Thought I would share! http://www.foodonthetable.com/dashboard

Enjoy! I know that I will.

Oh, and for any of my local friends... I really miss you all! Let's get together soon!

Enjoying Summer

Now that the first full month of my summer vacation is almost over, I really feel like I am "into" it! (Especially since the sun decided to come out for two whole days in a row! Very strange to have had such cloudy and cold weather for so long!) We did our traditional weekend in Chula Vista and had a great time. It was really relaxing! The kids are getting easier every year and Andy and I are loving the time spent with them.

The kids went to Broadoaks Science Academy for the first two weeks of summer while I was still working. It was really cool to be on the same campus, but I am even firmer in my belief that it is good for us to be at different schools. Gavin took tennis lessons (and even walked across the college campus by himself to come to academy! Wow! What a big kid!) and the kids had swim lessons at a new pool this year. They learned a lot and had fun (except for the first week that was super cold). We did the summer reading program, went to the Farmer's Market, saw a free movie, went bowling, had the a/c fan replaced, did some home repairs, attended a birthday party, went to a baseball game, hung out with the Arizona Huffakers, swam in the pool, went to the Santa Ana Discovery Center and played at Jumpin' Jammin'. Whew!

I also worked with each kid to do a full room clean out! Each one took two days and from each bedroom we got two bags of trash and one big bag for our next yard sale. Whew! Clean and organized! Not the most fun you can have ... but needed nonetheless! I have also cleaned out several closets and the vacuum cleaner.. gross.

Last weekend Ella performed in her first real dance recital! She was in "Little Miss Muffet" and did a GREAT job. She has proclaimed that she wants to dance forever and Gavin is insisting on signing up for the hip hop class that the studio offers!

This week the kids have been back at Science Academy for dissection week and have looked at brains, hearts, lungs and eyeballs! Strange that Gavin's class is also doing Cooking Academy this week... kind of gross, really! They are also working on acts for the Talent Show! I am home alone and have found time to shop and relax and clean and SCRAPBOOK! I was hoping to "catch up" on Ella's book, but I am still terribly behind. I have had a nice time, but it is getting a bit lonely.
Not to worry, I will not be lonely tomorrow and Saturday when I have a class! Yup... back to school! Just for two days though! I am going to a "Step Up To Writing" class that the rest of my teaching team will also be attending. It will be fun, but feels a bit intrusive during my time of relaxation!

This weekend we will head out for our vacation! Andy is finally going to be done with work for the summer and we are headed north! Pismo, Monterey, Santa Cruz.... and then way down south to San Diego! Can't wait, but should probably get back to the laundry so that we all have clean clothes to wear!

Is your life turning out the way you thought it would?

Hmmmmm..... Someone posed that question to me about a month ago and it caused me to pause and think. Has it? Will it? Did I ever think about what might life would or could be like?

I think, that when we are children, we don't think about this much. We wake up and see what the day has in store for us. At the end of the day, we can decide whether it was a good day, or a bad day. Then, we go to sleep and start all over again. At what age, do we start to "plan" for tomorrow? When do we go from living in the moment to planning every second?

Did you ever dream about your life? Did you think about having kids? Did you envision your wedding? When did it start? Do you think about your future now? Do you plan for it? Do you spend most of your day looking back, instead of looking forward?

I know that I hoped that I would have kids someday. That is about as far as I ever got in making a plan! I know that when I hear people say, "I always imagined my husband/wedding day/wedding dress..." I think to myself, "I never did that!" I never imagined my wedding day! I never pictured myself in a white dress! I thought about getting married and hoped that I would meet someone to spend my life with, but I certainly never spent hours fantasizing about it! That was good, and bad when it came down to planning! I had no vision or expectation to meet, but... I had no vision or expectation to meet. Do you see the problem? It left all possibilities open to me, but I really had to start from scratch and the ladies at the dress shop (and the cake shop and the reception facility) could not believe that I had NO IDEA what I wanted! I don't remember ever playing dress up as a child (except on Halloween and then I was usually an animal - or a cocktail olive as my turtle costume was mistaken for.) I don't know if this was because of a lack of interest, or a lack of available dress up clothes. Either way, I didn't do it. My wedding was beautiful and incredible and I could not have imagined it any better! Was this because I had no vision? Maybe.

This kind of open minded attitude works well for some situations (like weddings and finding mates) but not always. In trying to decide on a career path I have found that not having a plan or a vision has been really tough. I don't think that I thought about "what I want to be when I grow up" unless the issue was forced by a school teacher. I do remember having to write a "career" report in Jr. High. I chose: "cartoonist", "bus driver" and "teacher". (don't ask about the bus driver.. it had more to do with available interviewees and a funny sketch of a witch driving a buss than a true desire) As a child, I always thought that I would be a teacher. I didn't plan for it but I just thought that I would be.

Sometimes I wonder if I just thought that I would be at school forever. Maybe I didn't think that I would teach, but just that I would never have to leave school....never have to choose, never have to grow up? Was this really a vision, or was it just the childish way of thinking that leads us from one day to the next? Was this healthy? Was it helpful? Is it now? I wish that I had developed some kind of plan for my life...but then again....

My life has been one heck of an adventure! I have had jobs working with kids, in a library, stocking shelves, selling and painting hand painted clothing, doing inventory, teaching archery, coordinating weddings, bookkeeping, data entry, planning events at a night club, being a research assistant for a professor, acting as a personal assistant, teaching, parking cars and introducing people to Mr. Lincoln! I don't think that ANY of that was planned! I went to Whittier College and met the most amazing people (one of whom I am now married to), I have traveled to Oregon, Washington, Arizona, Utah, N and S Dakota, Wyoming, Nevada, Idaho, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut, Maine, D.C., India, England, Holland, Belgium, Mexico, the Cayman Islands, Jamaica and all over California. NONE of that had any more planning than a month (maybe a few more to go to India). I have lived in several apartments and houses and currently hold a mortgage on one. No advanced planning.... bought a motorhome, found a great job, became a godparent.. nope... no planning!

Those of you who know me well, might find this entertaining. I am a planner! I make long lists and elaborate plans. But, what I have come to realize is that these are all about the little things. I make plans for the weekend, I write out menus and shopping lists and to-do lists. I plan parties- the food, the layout, the gifts, the music, the decor. I choose my clothes for the next day (and sometimes the entire week) ahead of time. The little things. The big things I seem to be able to let happen. I have let my life unfold before me and what I see amazes me!

The one exception was my babies. They were planned. Very well planned. But, then again having babies (as I said earlier) was the only vision that I ever had! I see how difficult it was to have a vision! I was completely neurotic about conception, diet, documentation of all things pregnancy and baby related. I had to have the decor in the nursery "just so". Ask my mom! She shopped with me for bedding for Gavin's room. I must have gone to 5 different stores and looked at 100 different options before deciding on the one that was PERFECT. Same for Ella's, but I spent hours on line shopping. I kept amazing pregnancy journals and baby books for both kids and I agonized over their first birthday parties. Having a vision, was exhausting and frequently disappointing.

So then, I wonder... how do I guide my children? How do I give them enough structure to build a plan without leading them to construct their entire life before it even begins? How do I teach them to plan, a little bit? Do I encourage them to think of their future and question themselves about what they want, what they feel passionate about, and what their vision might look like? Or do I set them loose and let them wander and see where they end up? I hope that I can find a way to do a little of both.

The fact that I never really had a plan led me to an amazing place but it was not an easy place to get to. I took a great deal of wrong turns, drove down dirt roads, found dead ends, met obstacles and "hitch hiking ghosts", ran out of gas, got flat tires and became desperately lost without a map. I found my way. I wish that I had been given a map. At least with a map, you know what is possible. You know what choices you can make. You can see where you are going and where you might end up. You can decide where it is you are headed and see where you have been. You can look up a highway when there is construction on the back road that you've been traveling on.....or.... you can just crumple it up and drive whichever way your heart leads you.

I guess I will try to help my children create a map for their lives. In it we will detail the possible routes and roads to take them to their desired destinations. We will figure out how many miles each trip might be, how long it might take to get there and what they might need along the way. After we finish the map and they are happy with it... I will tell them, that it is o.k. to leave it in the glove box, sometimes.

A quick update

Happy 11 Year Anniversary Picture

The graduate and her family who saw her through!

There has been so much going on here, I have hardly had time to think, let alone blog!

First: I finished!!!! I did it!!!! I graduated and did it with honors! It is still hard to believe and has not really sunk in yet, but I now have my Masters in Education and have applied for my Preliminary Teaching Credential for the State of California. Whew! A long haul, but definitely worth it!

Second: We partied! I had a whole crew at the ceremony rooting for me, which included my kids and my awesome husband. It was really neat! We had about 25 people over for a big

bar-b-que and had a great time. We also hosted my dad and step-mom, my aunt and uncle (who are also my god-parents) and my aunt from New York for the entire weekend! We hiked in the hills, went out to eat AND got to go and see my younger brother perform in a play that he is staring in! My cousin and her family came down from Oregon and we celebrated her 40th birthday with a little pary at our house and we also got to join them at Disneyland! My kids both rode their first "real" roller coaster (Space Mountain) that day AND it was the first time to Dland withOUT a stroller!

Third: It sounds like our home loan modification will be going through. We heard that our file is done and that they should have an offer for us by the 15th. We just hope that it is something good that we can work with. We are having faith that it will be.

Fourth: I got a job!!!! I was offered a position at Broadoaks (the private school associated with Whittier College where I have been working for the past year as a Grad Fellow). I cannot yet say what grade I am teaching as they don't like to make this public until right before the start of the school year, but it is a grade that I am happy with and I will be working with a team of three other teachers who totally rock! The position is a Credentialed Internship (read: the pay is still low), but it is a job working at a place that I love and I am really excited about the upcoming year!

Fifth: I have the summer off and Andy got a summer school job. This is what we had hoped for (although I always wish that he was going to be home all summer too...it is better financially and he says that he would go crazy being off for that long). I am going to chill with the kids, be their taxi service and enjoy long weekends (Andy has every Friday off!) We are going to have three weeks of vacation over the summer and have started planning our camping trip to the Northern California coast!

*We have also been to Sea World a couple of times and had our first camping trip of the season! We went to Leo Carrillo (just North of Malibu) and visited the tide pools, had a campfire and RELAXED!!! Andy and I celebrated our anniversary while camping...Hamburger Helper and S'mores... we can tell we have been together a while! We have some home project ideas in the works, but nothing is started just yet.

That is it for my updates... I have been thinking about a couple of posts and maybe now I will have time to write them. I found myself completely exhausted (not to mention 5 pounds heavier - ugh) after the last week of preparations and celebrations and have not been feeling well. I went to bed at 7:00 one night and slept all night, then I slept in on Saturday and later took a 5 hour "nap". I still went to bed at 11:00 and slept all night long. My stomach is still upset, but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel tired! It may take a few weeks to recover from the last two years, but I am feeling so excited for whatever is coming next. Life is so good I can hardly stand it!

Finally, for those of you who couldn't be at the ceremony.. here is the good part.. my name being called and my hood and diploma being awarded! YEEEEEHAW!!!!

New musings

I know that I sounded very down last week, but... that is just the way it goes sometimes. I am really doing very well and have taken this time to think and meditate and muse upon what it is that I really want. I don't know if I have an answer, but it is forming.

At church last week, our minister said something that made me think. (Well, she usually does, but this gem hit me right between the eyes!) The quote was, "We can choose our actions, but we cannot chose our consequences." WOW!!!! Yes!!!! I can make all of the choices that I want, but I cannot decide what will happen because of them. I can drive 90 miles an hour down the freeway, that is my choice! But, I cannot choose what might happen because of it. I could get into an accident, I could hurt others, I could get a ticket! The way I really connected it with my life is: I chose to buy this house, with a big 'ol mortgage. That was my choice. The consequence for that choice is that I have to go to work full time. (the consequences of that are many!) Therefore, I must be very clear with myself, that I am o.k. with that consequence. If I am not, then maybe I need to make a different choice!

I know that I want to be right here in this house, with my family. Maybe giving up the house is not "it", maybe it is giving up some of the "stuff" that we do. We do a lot! Concerts for the kids, sports, lesson, classes, lots of stuff.

This summer, it does not look like we are going to have much money so, I have had to start thinking about what we will not be able to do. By doing this however, I have started to see all of the things that we CAN do! If we do not have to be up early for Sports Camp, we can sleep in! If we do not have to keep to a schedule for swim lessons, we can go on an all day adventure. If we do not drive all over creation, we can play in our own backyard. If we do not have a ton of commitments, we are free to read, swim, drink kool aid and hang out together! It is starting to sound really good.

I am still working through all of this "stuff"... but I am getting there... I feel it... I am growing, again!

Ahhhh emotions

I am feeling very.. humph, I don't even know what words to describe it. On the surface I might say, depressed but there is more to it than that.

I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".

I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.

For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.

I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.

I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!

The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.

Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.

Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.

A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.

Hi There!

I am still here... are you? I hope that I have not lost all of my readers due to my lack of posts! I have been...... fill in the blank, I dare you!

You are so very smart! Yes, I have been busy! Student teaching in the second grade is going well, I will have 3 weeks more to do when I return after Spring Break. I had a couple of amazing teaching days that I am very proud of and I am enjoying the enthusiasm of these younger kids. I am on "break" right now and working diligently to complete the two sided, single spaced "To Do" list!

I went to Arizona for my annual scrapbooking weekend with my best college bud. She lives in Tucson and so we "meet in the middle" which happens to be Yuma. This year we were super lucky and got to stay at my Dad's "second home" there. NO HOTEL BILL!!! We scrapped, slept, rested, walked, shopped, ate and TALKED for 3 days. As always, it was great to get away but even greater to come back home!

I have a new nephew! Andy's brother and wife brought Micah Vardiman into the world on March 29th! We have not met him in person yet, but hope to make the long drive out to Arizona in the next month or so. For now, pictures will have to suffice.

We had a wonderful Easter weekend in San Diego with family and were close enough to the latest earthquakes that we got a little adrenaline rush to go with it. No damage so we were thankful for that. We also got another visit to Sea World wedged in there and even though it rained, we had a great time!

Spent the day with good friends yesterday and had a field trip to the biggest Whole Foods market on the planet. We had lunch with 5 kids and three adults... ratio not too bad. Then we went back to the house and cooked up an amazing multicultural meal including a yummy chocolaty dessert. It was a really fun day!

Andy has spent the week working on finishing painting the kitchen cabinets. This was a challenging project that he started 2 years ago and then I went back to school and it made a good reason to put it off. The majority of the kitchen is done, it is just the bar at the end of the room that did not get done. Today, we will stain the top and he will hang the doors and we can call this one, wrapped up. Feels and looks great.

I am going to take my car for a long overdue car wash and Ella and I will be getting mani/pedis later! She has never been and it has been two years for me. Should be fun, girly bonding time! Tonight we will visit with friends that we have not seen in a while so we are looking forward to that.

Life is good and full of joy... hope that you are enjoying Spring and all that it has to offer.

New Adventures

I finished student teaching in the 5th grade. It was really great. I learned a lot and had fun. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and I know...that I am really good at it. There were challenges, but I overcame them and now I am moving on.

I was supposed to start at one school in Kindergarten, but that got changed. Then, I was assigned to a different school to be in the 1st grade. That too, got changed. This morning when I reported for my new assignment at 7:30 (gasp! I had to get up at 5:30!) the secretary informed me that I was not going to be in that teachers class after all. She called the principal (who I was told was going to be there to meet me this morning, but was not.. seeing as how she was on the phone) and then proceeded out into the hall to ask teachers if they wanted me. Sheesh! Good thing for me, someone said "Yes!" I am now going to be student teaching in the 2nd grade.

Seeing as how the teacher had all of five minutes to prepare for me, I only stayed long enough to teach the kids how to say my name and to introduce myself. Then, I left. This provided me with the opportunity to run around, do errands and finish the laundry. Thank goodness.

I am prepping for Gavin's birthday and still really had no idea what I was doing for the cake. I know now! I also had the time today to prepare the items that I will need for the party itself. As do most days, this one went by quickly and now dinner time approaches. I have paper work left to tend to, but I wanted to let you all know how it is going.

No major revelations, only a reminder that life is sweet and precious and fragile and love is the one thing that can save us all.

That is pretty major, it is just not a new revelation. I was reminded of these truths over the weekend through birthday celebrations, blessings of new families and good people just doing what is right.

I once, was lost...

Right before Christmas time, I decided that buying juice boxes was really wasteful. Not for parties or camping or the occasional picnic but for packing into my kids lunches every single day. I realized that I could not only save money, but save the environment one little juice box at a time. I decided to invest in a thermos for each child. Now, if you know me... you know, that once I get an idea into my head I cannot sleep until I have accomplished whatever it is that I have now decided to obsess about. (It is what makes me so productive, AND so neurotic!)

I headed out to Target one night with a long list of "necessaries", one of them being thermoses (is that how you pluralize that?) I went to the isle and started looking. Little did I know that the thermos has come a LONG way since I was a kid and they were plastic, simple things with a lid and a cup. They CAME with your lunch box back then, remember? Well, in case you didn't know...the "thermos" is now made of metal and comes with a fancy straw that pops up with the push of a button. They do NOT come with a lunch box, but with a rather high price tag. $15! Yes, I said $15!!! EACH!! I was in a bit of shock! This was going to cost me $30 for two of these suckers. I mulled this over and let it roll around in my brain, but like I said earlier.. .when I get an idea. I decided that I would recoup this in no time because bottles of juice are cheaper than the juice boxes AND I could also pack milk and maybe even the occasional lemonade which is even cheaper. I then chose a cute flowered girly one for Ella and a wicked cool Clone Wars one for Gavin. Deed done.

The first day of thermos use. I went to write the kids names on the sides and Gavin protested. He said it wasn't "cool". I discreetly wrote his initials in "cool" Star Wars style writing. I then filled the bottles and sent the kids off. When the kids came home and I went to unpack the lunches, I discovered that Gavin's thermos was not there. I came only slightly annoyed and asked him where it was. He told me that he had taken into the classroom and used it in the afternoon and when he left school he had put it into an outside pocket of his backpack. After that, he was unclear about where it had gone. I came unhinged! I railed him for being irresponsible and not taking care of his things. We had been through this before with jackets, towels and other items. I lectured until I turned blue and he quit listening.

The next day, we checked his classroom, the lost and found at school and at daycare and we asked all of the teachers and the staff if they had seen it. The answer was a resounding "no". I lectured and got angry some more, because somehow I was sure that if I chewed him out enough, he would pay me back $15 worth in guilt and sorriness.

The thermos never showed up. We have checked the lost and found. No thermos. I told Gavin, that he would just not get a drink packed in his lunch. Looking back, I realize now that I should have just said this and not gone on and on giving the kid a load of grief. Hindsight... hmmmm...

Last week, Gavin wore his good heavy jacket to school one day because it was raining and really cold. The jacket came home without it's hood. Who in the world makes hoods REMOVABLE from kids' jackets!? Must be people without kids. Again, I lost my mind and ranted and raved and laid the guilt on thick. I really needed him to learn a lesson! He needed to learn to be more responsible with his things! These two incidents are only a few in the many times that I have hounded this child with the lecture about how we treat our property.

Last weekend, I went scrapbooking. I left, without my jacket. I did not realize it until Tuesday when it was cold and I had no jacket to wear. I spent the entire day trying to figure out what had happened to it. Did it go in the laundry? "Andy, have you seen my black jacket?" "Nope!", he answered. I stomped around positive that SOMEONE had touched my jacket. Then, I remembered that I had hung it on the back of the chair and had not worn it home. Ooops. I called my friend and she said that she had my jacket. Silly me.

Last night, I went to Target. Gavin came with me and we picked up some storage containers and other items for the house. When we left it was raining, I grabbed one bag, handed Gavin the other, popped open the umbrella and we ran for the car. This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work I was looking for my wallet. I looked everywhere. Not in my bag, not in my room, not on the entry table, not in my car. My heart suddenly dropped into my stomach. I had left my wallet in the cart at Target. The rain and the late hour had me worn out and rushing and in that state of mind, I forgot to grab my wallet. With $500 cash in it. Now, I NEVER have cash, but Andy and I have been trying to pay for things with cash and this was the grocery money for the month that I had just gotten from the bank. I usually keep this in a different spot and only carry the cash I will need for the errand I am running. Not tonight. I had been in a hurry and just left it all in my wallet, the wallet that I had left in a cart outside of Target.

I called Target...not open yet. I went online to check card balances...no purchases had been made on the debit or credit card. This was a good sign. I hoped that someone had found my wallet and that they had turned it in. I hoped that they had not taken the money. I called the store again, no answer. I got mad. Mad at myself for being so stupid and careless. Then I felt guilty to my family for losing the money. What were we going to do? That was all we had for the entire month! Then, I cried and told Andy I was sorry for being such an idiot. He said that it was going to be o.k. and that he wasn't mad. I called the store again...no answer. I decided to just drive down there. I went to the service desk and with my voice wavering, asked if anyone had turned in a wallet the night before. My hands were beginning to sweat as the sales girl opened the log, I saw my name in the book right before she said "yes" and asked for my name. It took 15 minutes for the manager to bring my wallet from the safe. I was relieved, but still felt nauseated at the thought of the money being gone. The manager told me that it was a man who had returned it and that he said that he hadn't even opened it. I did. The money was there, all of it. Thank you, mister.

While driving to work I realized that the universe was again at work - teaching me. I had needed to learn a lesson. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all misplace, forget and lose things. Some things are small, like a jacket and some are big, like a $15 thermos and others are so huge we start to panic in the face of the loss. I realized that my son had not lost these things because he was careless or that he didn't care about the value of them. He lost them, because he is a little boy. Because he is human. I realized that he had probably already beaten himself up for losing them. He was already sorry and that the last thing he needed was a mom to beat him up some more. He needed me to help him look and then, deal with the loss. He did not need my anger or the guilt.

I was humbled today, by my human-ness and realized that I need to show more compassion. My husband showed me that with his calm way. I mean, come on - I lost my WALLET!!! FULL OF CASH!!! I am very, very thankful that God did not decide that I needed to actually lose the money to learn the lesson and I am grateful for the chance to grow. You know God, you made me sweat a little! I apologized to my son tonight and he had the chance to see me grow as I admitted to my mistakes. My mistake at not being more careful with my wallet but more importantly not being careful with the most important thing...my child's heart.

More news and musings coming soon....

The holidays flew by.. photos coming soon....
Ella's 5th birthday... whoosh.. photos coming soon....
Teaching 5th grade... already in the middle of week three out of 8.....

Time.... flies....dips....soars....and slips away....

Growing and learning in more ways than I thought possible.

New book, new insight: "Scream Free Parenting"

This author had me in tears as I realized how much I have been holding my children responsible for my own happiness and the climate of our home.... and how little freedom I give them over themselves, their decisions and their lives. Whew... eye opening to say the least.
Before tonight, it has been three weeks since I have "screamed" at anyone... and tonight, I only raised my voice as a chunk of bread flew across the room and a glass of milk went spilling down onto clean cushion and floor. I also apologized for the raised voice and got myself in check very quickly.

My children no longer have to clean their rooms. I have not lost my mind, but it means that I no longer have to nag and yell at them to clean their rooms. There are consequences...when Gavin wanted me to come in and hang out (in a room that looked literally like a bomb had gone off in it), I declined. I told him that it was too messy in there for me and it made me uncomfortable. He could join me in my room. His room has not looked like THAT since. He has also been informed that if the laundry is not in the hamper, it will not be washed. It is in the hamper, every day. If I cannot walk through the room to access said hamper, the clothes will not be retrieved. There is a path.

The children must clean up their rooms the night before the house cleaner comes. Last week, they were so excited you would think that I was handing out golden tickets for the cleanest room. Both rooms were clean and neat in less than a half hour WITHOUT ANY nagging, begging, or screaming!

I do not scream in the morning ANY MORE. There are consequences for not getting out of bed, dressed and to the table for breakfast. Breakfast is over at 7:40. If you are not there before then, you will not be served any food. Period. Both children have missed breakfast several times. I am happy to report, that no one has died of starvation. If you are not ready when I walk out the door at 8:00, I am still walking out the door. And I am leaving, with our without you in the car. As of yet, no one has tested this consequence, but I think that we all know.. I am not kidding. I will absolutely freak out if I leave a child home....but they will never know it. I trust that Gavin will get himself off to school, whether he runs there or calls Grampa. I am not sure... about Ella, but I don't think it will come to that with her. Yet. If you decide to stay in bed until the last possible minute.. you will only have that one minute to get dressed and get ready. Gavin has gone to school with crazy hair and bad breath.. really...it is his image, not mine... as soon as the other kids comment, I am sure that this too, will end.

Ella picks out her own outfits now, with no help or input from me. Please don't judge me for the all pink outfit or the completely mismatched articles of clothing that she decides are the height of preschool fashion. I will not engage in this battle, not at age 5. When she is 15 and her boobs are showing, it will be a different story, but not now. I have been given the privilege of choosing her outfits on Saturday, this is our compromise. Oh, but only if she is not going somewhere "important" or "where my friends might see me".

No screaming? You bet! In my head? Hell yes!