New musings

I know that I sounded very down last week, but... that is just the way it goes sometimes. I am really doing very well and have taken this time to think and meditate and muse upon what it is that I really want. I don't know if I have an answer, but it is forming.

At church last week, our minister said something that made me think. (Well, she usually does, but this gem hit me right between the eyes!) The quote was, "We can choose our actions, but we cannot chose our consequences." WOW!!!! Yes!!!! I can make all of the choices that I want, but I cannot decide what will happen because of them. I can drive 90 miles an hour down the freeway, that is my choice! But, I cannot choose what might happen because of it. I could get into an accident, I could hurt others, I could get a ticket! The way I really connected it with my life is: I chose to buy this house, with a big 'ol mortgage. That was my choice. The consequence for that choice is that I have to go to work full time. (the consequences of that are many!) Therefore, I must be very clear with myself, that I am o.k. with that consequence. If I am not, then maybe I need to make a different choice!

I know that I want to be right here in this house, with my family. Maybe giving up the house is not "it", maybe it is giving up some of the "stuff" that we do. We do a lot! Concerts for the kids, sports, lesson, classes, lots of stuff.

This summer, it does not look like we are going to have much money so, I have had to start thinking about what we will not be able to do. By doing this however, I have started to see all of the things that we CAN do! If we do not have to be up early for Sports Camp, we can sleep in! If we do not have to keep to a schedule for swim lessons, we can go on an all day adventure. If we do not drive all over creation, we can play in our own backyard. If we do not have a ton of commitments, we are free to read, swim, drink kool aid and hang out together! It is starting to sound really good.

I am still working through all of this "stuff"... but I am getting there... I feel it... I am growing, again!

A date

On the Martin Luther King holiday, Andy and I had arranged for a date together. We asked his parents if they could watch the kids during the day, so that we could go on a hike and have lunch together. We know that we should make more time to be together, but it always seems that something gets in the way...time, money, sick kids...or in this case, a broken hot water pipe!

I felt very disappointed and discouraged that it looked like we were going to have to cancel our date together because there would be workmen coming to the house. Luckily, one team was able to come in the early morning and my step-dad was able to come and let in the other team to perform the necessary testing. We would have our date after all!

We have gone out and even away for a weekend since we had kids, but it is not often and usually feels rushed and not always very fun. We have gone to Lowe's on a date and even to Toys R Us for Christmas shopping, but usually we head out in the evening for dinner and a movie, or just a movie. These dates never really felt like "us" as it was not something that we ever really did together before we had kids, plus it was not always easy to find a sitter and we worried about the kids getting to bed and all of those other parent type things. Finally, we realized that we should do more things that ARE like "Us".. go hiking, go for a picnic, head to a museum or cultural event...usually, we think of taking the kids with us, but it seems that sometimes, we just need to be "us"...without them. So, this hike was the first of what we hope to be many more outings that give us time to re-connect!

It was easier to leave the kids for the morning, easier on them and on Grampa! We headed out to Eaton Canyon in Pasadena, which wasn't far and where neither of us had ever been! The morning was cool and cloudy and the trail was a bit more rugged than I had anticipated (but not too hard!) We crossed the creek several times which elicited some squeals from me as I almost tumbled right into the water (this elicited laughter from Andy at how silly I am). We walked and talked and solved all of the world's problems. We held hands and took pictures and I felt the weight of life slip off of my shoulders. I was reminded of why I love this man that I have chosen to spend my life with and felt a renewed sense of commitment to this dream that we are creating. We hiked for an hour to reach a pretty waterfall and then headed back down the hill.

We went into Pasadena and found a cute little bistro for lunch. We promised ourselves that we would not eat at a place that we had been before and swore to avoid all chain restaurants. We succeeded and at a GREAT Italian place where Andy enjoyed a steak and I had a huge salad. We headed home feeling peaceful and relaxed and ready to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with our children. They were happy to see us and us to see them. I am looking forward to our next adventure...together, being "Us".