Hmmmmm..... Someone posed that question to me about a month ago and it caused me to pause and think. Has it? Will it? Did I ever think about what might life would or could be like?
I think, that when we are children, we don't think about this much. We wake up and see what the day has in store for us. At the end of the day, we can decide whether it was a good day, or a bad day. Then, we go to sleep and start all over again. At what age, do we start to "plan" for tomorrow? When do we go from living in the moment to planning every second?
Did you ever dream about your life? Did you think about having kids? Did you envision your wedding? When did it start? Do you think about your future now? Do you plan for it? Do you spend most of your day looking back, instead of looking forward?
I know that I hoped that I would have kids someday. That is about as far as I ever got in making a plan! I know that when I hear people say, "I always imagined my husband/wedding day/wedding dress..." I think to myself, "I never did that!" I never imagined my wedding day! I never pictured myself in a white dress! I thought about getting married and hoped that I would meet someone to spend my life with, but I certainly never spent hours fantasizing about it! That was good, and bad when it came down to planning! I had no vision or expectation to meet, but... I had no vision or expectation to meet. Do you see the problem? It left all possibilities open to me, but I really had to start from scratch and the ladies at the dress shop (and the cake shop and the reception facility) could not believe that I had NO IDEA what I wanted! I don't remember ever playing dress up as a child (except on Halloween and then I was usually an animal - or a cocktail olive as my turtle costume was mistaken for.) I don't know if this was because of a lack of interest, or a lack of available dress up clothes. Either way, I didn't do it. My wedding was beautiful and incredible and I could not have imagined it any better! Was this because I had no vision? Maybe.
This kind of open minded attitude works well for some situations (like weddings and finding mates) but not always. In trying to decide on a career path I have found that not having a plan or a vision has been really tough. I don't think that I thought about "what I want to be when I grow up" unless the issue was forced by a school teacher. I do remember having to write a "career" report in Jr. High. I chose: "cartoonist", "bus driver" and "teacher". (don't ask about the bus driver.. it had more to do with available interviewees and a funny sketch of a witch driving a buss than a true desire) As a child, I always thought that I would be a teacher. I didn't plan for it but I just thought that I would be.
Sometimes I wonder if I just thought that I would be at school forever. Maybe I didn't think that I would teach, but just that I would never have to leave school....never have to choose, never have to grow up? Was this really a vision, or was it just the childish way of thinking that leads us from one day to the next? Was this healthy? Was it helpful? Is it now? I wish that I had developed some kind of plan for my life...but then again....
My life has been one heck of an adventure! I have had jobs working with kids, in a library, stocking shelves, selling and painting hand painted clothing, doing inventory, teaching archery, coordinating weddings, bookkeeping, data entry, planning events at a night club, being a research assistant for a professor, acting as a personal assistant, teaching, parking cars and introducing people to Mr. Lincoln! I don't think that ANY of that was planned! I went to Whittier College and met the most amazing people (one of whom I am now married to), I have traveled to Oregon, Washington, Arizona, Utah, N and S Dakota, Wyoming, Nevada, Idaho, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut, Maine, D.C., India, England, Holland, Belgium, Mexico, the Cayman Islands, Jamaica and all over California. NONE of that had any more planning than a month (maybe a few more to go to India). I have lived in several apartments and houses and currently hold a mortgage on one. No advanced planning.... bought a motorhome, found a great job, became a godparent.. nope... no planning!
Those of you who know me well, might find this entertaining. I am a planner! I make long lists and elaborate plans. But, what I have come to realize is that these are all about the little things. I make plans for the weekend, I write out menus and shopping lists and to-do lists. I plan parties- the food, the layout, the gifts, the music, the decor. I choose my clothes for the next day (and sometimes the entire week) ahead of time. The little things. The big things I seem to be able to let happen. I have let my life unfold before me and what I see amazes me!
The one exception was my babies. They were planned. Very well planned. But, then again having babies (as I said earlier) was the only vision that I ever had! I see how difficult it was to have a vision! I was completely neurotic about conception, diet, documentation of all things pregnancy and baby related. I had to have the decor in the nursery "just so". Ask my mom! She shopped with me for bedding for Gavin's room. I must have gone to 5 different stores and looked at 100 different options before deciding on the one that was PERFECT. Same for Ella's, but I spent hours on line shopping. I kept amazing pregnancy journals and baby books for both kids and I agonized over their first birthday parties. Having a vision, was exhausting and frequently disappointing.
So then, I wonder... how do I guide my children? How do I give them enough structure to build a plan without leading them to construct their entire life before it even begins? How do I teach them to plan, a little bit? Do I encourage them to think of their future and question themselves about what they want, what they feel passionate about, and what their vision might look like? Or do I set them loose and let them wander and see where they end up? I hope that I can find a way to do a little of both.
The fact that I never really had a plan led me to an amazing place but it was not an easy place to get to. I took a great deal of wrong turns, drove down dirt roads, found dead ends, met obstacles and "hitch hiking ghosts", ran out of gas, got flat tires and became desperately lost without a map. I found my way. I wish that I had been given a map. At least with a map, you know what is possible. You know what choices you can make. You can see where you are going and where you might end up. You can decide where it is you are headed and see where you have been. You can look up a highway when there is construction on the back road that you've been traveling on.....or.... you can just crumple it up and drive whichever way your heart leads you.
I guess I will try to help my children create a map for their lives. In it we will detail the possible routes and roads to take them to their desired destinations. We will figure out how many miles each trip might be, how long it might take to get there and what they might need along the way. After we finish the map and they are happy with it... I will tell them, that it is o.k. to leave it in the glove box, sometimes.
2 comments:
Y'know, it is funny that such a list maker had so few "big plans" in her life. :-) But y'know, some things are best not planned to a T. I think that the best we can do is to teach our kids how to make sound decisions and yes, a road map of sorts, and then turn them loose. Bigger things often do better with forethought, but many things would never turn out so glorious had you toiled over the details. I'm glad I didn't have an exact vision for many areas of my life--I think the results would have frustrated me in how they didn't fit the plan. I'm glad I've learned to be a little less structured with some things as my life has progressed--it's been cause for more enjoyment. I hope to teach my kids a good balance of planning and spontaneous outcomes. :-)
The cool thing about a lot of the things in your blog is that I recognize so many of your adventures. For the record, when I think of some of the crazy, and fun things that I have done, you (and Gina) are in them. Cheese Whiz??? Nice reflection. Don't worry too much about the kids...they have a naturally great mother and father.
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