A visitor

I had a visitor today! An old friend, so to speak. I haven't seen her in so long and I had almost forgotten what her smile looked like and what her laugh sounded like. She has been away. She went on a trip after college and got caught up in her wedding planning, and moving from place to place. She got a job and had babies. She popped in rather unexpectedly and I was delighted. She made me stop and think, and bake cookies and have a revelation!

It seems like I have been in high gear for a couple of years now and I've been so busy with the "doing" of life and all of the business of running a home, keeping a job and raising children that I have found very little time, "being". I don't smile or laugh, much. I don't do things because they are fun, I do them because that is what you are supposed to do. Even the things that I enjoy, like cooking, scrapbooking, planning parties and reading are done with a sense of purpose and with the end goal in mind. I have always been a "save the dessert for last" type of person. Very disciplined. Do your work first and then you can go out and play. But, it seems that there has been so much work to do, that I never have time to play! I also know that I tend to keep myself busy, so that I don't think too much... but this usually just backfires and I think and my mind races and spins and doesn't really make any sense.

I put on my vision board for this year, lots of open space and simple pictures of fields of flowers and words like "time", "space for creativity", "relaxation". These all symbolize the strong desire I have to "stop and smell the roses", as it were BUT it seems that every time I stop to smell them, I notice that they need some water, or dead heading, or that there are aphids or powdery mildew and that sends me off to complain to the chief gardener or to Lowe's for some kind of spray! I am a doer...I am obsesive and compulsive...I have been told that I have ADD...I have a hormone imbalance (who doesn't after a couple of kids!?) I get depressed. These things are not new to me, but the extra weight of home and family are and I don't think that I have quite yet learned how to juggle it all! (Yes, I have been a Mom for 6 years, but only a Mom of two for two years!)

I packed last month full of activities to keep me and the kids busy. I thought that if we were busy and out and about, we would have more fun. We wouldn't fight, we wouldn't clash. It was summer after all and there is so much to do and see and enjoy. I was wrong! We got TIRED and CRANKY and worn out! (Especially ME!) This week has been so different. The weekend was slower and had less going on and the only "outside" activity was church. Monday, Gavin went to Robot camp and Ella and I had the morning to ourselves. We went to the market and then home so that I could work on my "bills and paperwork". I made great headway and even had lunch laid out so that after we returned from getting Gavin we could all just sit down and eat. I felt calm and my head was quiet. The kids played together, inventing games that might end one of them in the E.R., but they are having fun. They have been fighting, but as I listen from the other room, perched to rescue if needed, I hear them resolving things and working it out.

Today, was busy in the a.m. I took Gavin to camp and Ella to the office and then to a concert and then back to the office and then to visit her preschool and then to pick up Gavin and then home for lunch. (whew!) After lunch I felt my usual sleepiness coming on and although I felt slightly guilty (because Andy was working really hard in the yard) I spread out on the couch and took a 1/2 hour snooze. I got up and still felt "woozy" but went through some more papers and put away some laundry. Then, I spied my book. That's when she showed up! My old self. The one who would read a novel in a day if it was a good one. The one who knew how to take a time out. The one who was really good at getting things done, mostly because she knew how to take care of herself. I felt like I was sneaking off with another man! I got comfy on my bed with a pillow propped behind me, Andy sweating it out in the yard and the kids vascilating between bickering and playing so nicely in the living room. I cracked the book and thought, what's a chapter!? I spent about an hour, reading! RELAXING! Reading a book that was not about my 6 year old, my 2 year old, potty training, raising a son, my active alert child or any other general parenting topic! I felt, ummm... Happy! I felt, peaceful. I did not, would not, let myself feel guilty!

When Ella came in for a cuddle, I happily indulged her. When Gavin came in and wanted to have a tickle fest, I was all game. We played! We laughed. At that very moment, I loved being a Mom. I haven't had a lot of those moments. I realized that the day was quickly slipping away and I went to make dinner. It was, fun! We had a Thai Coconut Shrimp Soup and dim sum. Nobody got in trouble at the table and everyone ate everything on their plates.
We decided to go for a swim and I swam too! I think that everyone was surprised! (how sad) I am usually so tired that I just sit on the sidelines and watch. Today, I let Ella swim to me and hang on me and I threw Gavin in the water and we splashed each other and squirted each other and I laughed! My old, big hearty laugh. The real one! I did a cannon ball! It was gloriously HUGE and I realized that a big bottom IS good for a couple of things!

When we got home, I helped the kids get ready for bed. While I rubbed backs I didn't feel like I needed to run away. I felt like I could stay and do that all night. After they had settled in, I headed to the kitchen and I baked cookies. Just to bake! I can't remember when I was productive in the evening! Usually, I plant my rear on the couch as early as possible and watch t.v. Show, after show until I either fall asleep or realize that it is after midnight and I have to be up in 6 hours. Tonight, I feel different! I even did the dishes! For those of you who don't know, I have a "self cleaning" kitchen. I make a HUGE mess and miraculously it gets clean, every single night. From what I understand there is only one of these in the entire world, we are working on a new version, but we won't know how it turns out for about 18 years or so.

I just looked at the time and it is only 10:30! I did all of that! I still have time to brush my teeth, wash my face AND watch a little t.v.... or get back to my book. I think that I have figured out one of the missing pieces in my life! Me! I know that all of the books and magazines say, "Take time for yourself". But you really have to DO that. Not go through the motions of it. You have to do it in your head and in your heart. You have to love yourself, and mean it.

A visit...from an old friend. A younger, happier version of me! I invited her to stay. I have missed her so much! I offered her my spot at the kitchen table and my side of the bed. I really hope she stays.

Not another manic Monday

A great weekend! STILL finishing the bathroom! We put a frame around the mirror and it looks REALLY cool, BUT it took longer than expected. As most of these projects do! We also just took it easy on Friday and Saturday. We slowed down and enjoyed our time together, which is always a nice treat! I really needed it! I am TIRED! I set up this crazy schedule for the summer and it overwhelmed us all! We were supposed to start stripping and refinishing our dining room chairs, but since the bathroom was not quite finished we decided not to get into another project. We also went out to visit Allen and Jen and Jordan (my brother and his family) at their new house (which is wickidly cool and has a pool!). Sunday we were off to church and then to the beach. It took a while to get there, but it was well worth it. The kids played in the sand and Gavin even boogie boarded! I got to read about 1/2 of a chapter in my book and we had a bbq, cleaned up and headed home!

Today, Gavin had Mad Science Robot Camp all morning. He had a great time and can't wait to go back tomorrow. Ella and I did the grocery shopping and then I putzed around cleaning and straightening up and entering a pile of reciepts into the checkbook. I feel calmer. I feel happier. I am really trying not to stress out over every little thing, and I seem to be doing pretty well! Andy is working in the yard, Ella is in the sandbox and Gavin is watching Pokemon. I have to get our dinner going, we are having ribs, ranch beans, corn on the cob and rolls! For dessert we have brownies! This is summer living at it's best!

A day off?

A day off, used to mean... Sleeping in, lying in the sun, reading a book, getting together with some friends, having a beer (or a pina colada). A day off meant relaxation, or play time! A day off seems to have a whole new meaning now that I am a Mom and a Homemaker. Today, I have the "day off". I got up and got the kids dressed (o.k., Gavin dressed himself) and sent them off with Dad. Next, I went to the Gym and then stopped by Michael's for some items for the bathroom project. That was nice because there wasn't anyone in the store and it was VERY quiet. I came home and showered, a good shower... where you really take time to scrub your head and your elbows and your knees. (vs. they kind where you kind of "run" through the water and hope that you got the worst of the dirt off!) I lotioned and tweezed and brushed and took time to take care of ME! I read emails, I am blogging. I am procrastinating the job that I need to get done. On my day off, I am going to sort through the mountain of paperwork that I have been stuffing into the cupboard and I am going to update my checkbook on the computer. I may even reconcile my checking account!

Andy gets off work at 12:30 today, and after we have lunch not out, just sandwiches at home) we are going to Lowe's to get more supplies to finsih the bathroom. We will (finally) hang that cabinet and I will sweep and mop the bathroom floor and finish putting all of the stuff back where it belongs in there! I will run to the grocery store and stop by the pharmacy. I will make some phone calls and ponder the thought of throwing our "End of the Summer" party. I will plan for our Friday Family Film Festival and I will finally put away the last of the laundry from Monday.

The kids will be home at 4:00 and then I will make dinner and we will hang out together for bath, stories and bed time. I will plop onto the couch exhausted at the end of it all, and wonder, how could I ever get all of this done, without a "day off"?

A little more uplifting

I have gotten some feed back, and apparently I take life way too seriously! One of my greatest attributes is also my greatest downfall... I am driven! I will try harder, to lighten up and to enjoy the good stuff. I know that what you focus on is what you get more of... so... less focus on the bad and more on the good. (which there is LOTS of in our house!)

I am not fighting with Gavin this week, I am sending him directly to time out or to his room. He fights with me and I pray through his tantrum. I pray for peace and understanding, I pray for patience and love. I pray that I won't strangle him ( ; ... for those of you concerned, that WAS a joke!

Today, we are taking it easy. I slept in (gasp!) and I am still in my pajamas! The kids played with Legos (and I played too) and are watching "Little Bear". We had breakfast and enjoyed hanging out together! After I finish this entry I am going to get ready for the day... I have bills to pay and I am thankful that there is money to do that with. I have paperwork to go through and I am thankful that I have time to do it! The kids do have swim lessons later, but that is the only thing that we are going to do today! I am even going to cook a real dinner!

I am off to enjoy my day.. and I hope that you will find a way to do the same!

A Busy Weekend

I feel like I haven't written in a long time! But, it was just a few days ago, right? Our weekends have been so busy that they seem like weeks in themselves!

We have been working on fixing up the kids' bathroom and it is finally coming together! We got the shower curtain up, the shutters and valance up, the towel rack and tp holder are back up. Tonight we are going to assemble a cabinet and then CLEAN and then finish!!!! ( I hope! It is already 9 p.m. and I am on the computer and Andy is washing a sink full of dishes. oooh, not to mention the 5 loads of laundry that are heaped on the couch waiting to be folded!)

We had a great weekend! We worked on the bathroom and then Andy and I worked a wedding. (extra cash is always welcomed!) After that, we went out to eat at Olive Garden (yum) and went to the movies. We saw the new Harry Potter and felt slightly dissappointed. It was too short and too much seemed to be missing. If you had not read the books (are there such people?) I don't think that you would understand what was going on! "Harry" looks far too grown up to me also... After "Harry" we went and saw "Rattatouie"(sp?) and it was FANTASTIC!!!

Sunday was church and then off to the OC Fair! Noisy, busy, crowded, hot... but a corn dog and a lemonade and some caramel corn made it all worth while. We saw some piglets that were just one day old, and a cow and some calves and sheep and goats. We love looking at the garden, all of the fruits and veggies growing are so cool!







Today was good, Ella had her 2 1/2 year photos taken and she was a star! We went to Target to get all of Gavin's 1st Grade supplies. Very exciting. Swimming lessons and a fun afternoon spent in the yard with the sprinklers and kiddie pool rounded off the day. Gavin makes me tired. He is ALWAYS into something! I feel like I am CONSTANTLY on his case! He doesn't like it and I don't like it and I just don't know WHAT to do about it! This too shall pass, I suppose. I am just afraid that it will take the next 20 years for it to pass!!!!
I should get off of the computer if I plan on getting that cabinet put together. Until later!

An experiment

It is 11:30.. the house is quiet, except for the hum of the house fan and the snoring of the dog. Today, I was TIRED! I took a nap. I felt guilty, but I could not keep my eyes open! I was trying to work on Ella's journal, but alas, I laid my head down on the couch and it was over. I feel like I yelled a lot today. At the kids, at the dog... at myself (in my head of course.. I have not crossed over to THAT kind of crazy, yet.)

Andy and Gavin went to the dentist, dinner and piano together, leaving me and Ella on our own. She didn't like that. She doesn't like, me. She likes her Dad best... ask her, she'll tell you! She told me not to talk to her. Finally, she let me sit next to her at dinner. She says I'm mean. It is really HARD not to take this personally... c'mon... this is my baby girl! Is this what the next 18 years are going to be like? (don't anyone DARE answer that!)

My house, is the experiment... how dirty can it REALLY get!? It is gross! I don't like it. Other people have been here, and tell me that it is really not that bad. Other people's houses must be REALLY dirty, either that or my friends need glasses! Everywhere I look I see dust, fingerprints, dirt, spills and general yuckiness. (not to mention the clutter...and toys, etc.) I had a break down today. I was standing at the kitchen table cutting coupons and realized that my shoes were stuck to the floor. Literally. So... I started cleaning. I felt like "If you give a mouse a cookie". If you give the mom a wash rag.... I couldn't just do the floor... the whole kitchen needed cleaning, and the cupboard doors, and the coffee maker, and the blinds, and the table legs... on and on... I finished about an hour ago. It is truly amazing what removing a layer of grime from a room can do for it. I am glad that it is done, but it is making the rest of the house look worse! Am I the only one that is this overwhelmed!? (rhetorical question) What does one do about the constant work? I feel as if I am not doing ANY of my jobs very well... the house, the kids, the office (don't even mention my relationship). Maybe I am just hormonal....

I'm going to finish one more job on my list and then fall deeply and soundly asleep! Ready for another day!

Mission Accomplished

This morning, I managed to get to the gym (thanks Mom, for coming over to watch the kids) AND I did "fancy hair" for Ella. LOTS of ponytails, it takes some time, but it is worth it because it will last for a couple of days. I didn't get much done last night. The kids went to bed late and Andy and I enjoyed some "Cool Hand Lime" smoothies and then, I fell asleep watching some program on the Discovery Chanel about "Stigmata". Thank goodness for TIVO or I don't think that I would ever see an entire program.

Gavin wants to make "shape sandwiches" for our park lunch, so after they finish 1/2 hour of t.v. we will work on that before heading out to the park and the library. Swim lessons are after that. I am not sure what today will be like, but I am in the kind of mood where I am willing to just go with it and take it as it comes. Very rare for me.

Potty training with Ella continues. She is supposed to be fully "trained" for school in September, so there is some pressure (on us, not her). She has been in pull ups (some days) and underwear on others. We are on the go so much, I don't feel like I am devoting myself to it much. I have a potty in the car and take her at each stop we make and .. she goes. She has had MANY accidents: in the closet, on the couch, on the carpet and the best: on my clean folded laundry. All of these were with NO panties on at ALL, so it was a pretty big mess! (urine is sterile, right?) We bought some Princess pull ups and that seems to have done the trick! She does not want to pee on her Princesses! Yesterday, she proudly announced that she was NOT going to go pee in her pants. In the evening she was running around bare bottomed and when she had the feeling, she ran to us saying, "I need a pull up! I need the potty!" She went quite a bit! Today seems good so far, so perhaps we are almost there!

I have 15 more minutes of this t.v. time and I think that I will use it to wash my face and brush my teeth... a novel concept, I know.

On Blogging

I have been thinking about my Blog all day and wondering if I will get a chance to write. I guess that the answer is yes. My hubby is giving a shower to the wee one and Gavin is running with the dog. Today, was a "good" day. I worked at the office, I shopped, I cleaned (o.k. it was really just picking up stuff that belonged in a different place and putting it into it's "proper" place), I polished brass screws. Yup... I did that. We are sprucing up the kids bathroom and I painted the shutters (ugh, what a wretched job) and then I realized that the knobs were grungy, so I cleaned them and then I realized that the screws looked awful. So, I polished them and now, they are nice. I went to a dentist appointment, but... I was VERY early, since the appointment is not until Thursday! Duh....

Tonight, I am hoping to finish catching up on Ella's toddler journal. I opened it up yesterday, only to discover that I have not written in it for almost a year! Oh NO!! Well, we moved and I was busy, and then it was the holidays and I was busy, and then her birthday party and then Gavin's... well, you know the drill. This morning I caught up from July 06 until Jan 07... I was sad when I cam to a page that had this prompt, "Write down something that your child did this week that you never want to forget"... well, that was back in October and you guessed it.. I already forgot! I wracked my brain and came up with a memory (thank goodness... she'll never know that I wrote October's journal in July!)

I would also like to hang up those shutters in the bathroom and maybe.... maybe.... dare I suggest.... mop the kitchen floor. I will not say how long it has been since THAT has happened. My old house cleaner has been on hiatus for a while (plus we were trying to be frugal with our money) and she said that she will be able to return to us in August. A big AMEN on that! I think that I finally have Andy convinced that he NEEDS to hire a gardener (or clone himself!). Our yard is just too much for one person to handle (or two... or three!).

Gavin is reading every word of this over my shoulder and I am amazed at his reading abilities! He wasn't even phased by "hiatus". (got him with "phased" however.. hee hee)

O.K. If I actually want to accomplish these things tonight, I'd better quit writing and start doing! When I'm done "doing", I hope that I have a little bit of time left, for "being".

What AM I thinking?

I have recently gotten 5 emails from busy mom's with Blogs. The first one, brought me to tears, thinking about how much time that mom must have, and staring at the smiling photos, I found myself feeling like a big failure. The second two didn't phase me, I think that I shut down. The last one, inspired me to wonder... what is this Blog thing all about? Maybe I will see for myself. I do not have time for this. I should be putting in a new load of laundry, making a grocery list and creating a menu for the week. My six year old is impatiently waiting for "his turn" on the computer and here I am, typing away.

We'll see... maybe I can eek out a little time (or just give up showering, completely) and maybe I can learn to type while a 2 1/2 year old is hanging from my right arm and a 6 1/2 year old runs shrieking like a demon through the house. Maybe, just maybe.....