Darkness

It is getting darker, earlier and staying darker, later. I dread this "dark" time of the year. It often gets darker inside my soul... the holidays, memories and the lack of sunlight, seem to send me inward and that is not always the sunniest of places for me.

For me, Depression creeps in, like a fog bank. At first, you don't notice it, maybe the air gets chilly and you feel like you might need a sweater. Before long, you realize that you cannot see the ground before you and you are not sure if your next step will send you plummeting off of a cliff into the abyss of darkness. Summer for me this year was good. I was very, very Up... high, almost. But I felt the summer wearing me out and draining me. I coasted through September, lifted up momentarily by the updrafts the the first day of school can bring. This month, I am falling. It is getting darker. I started this month, feeling "tired". Not sleepy, but TIRED. Bone tired. I can't even walk across the room tired. I haven't written much during this month, because I could not muster the strength to type the words. Two weeks ago, I was falling asleep at work, falling asleep reading to the kids and falling into bed at 7:30! Exhausted. Last week, I felt the sadness coming and was prone to crying for no particular reason. I knew I was going deeper, but did not have the strength to stop. This weekend I hit the bottom....I did not want to do anything more than lie on the couch, staring at the t.v. I didn't even care if it was on, I didn't feel like pushing the buttons.

As I laid there last night, I thought about the busy week ahead. Today is my birthday, tomorrow we are moving Gramma, Wednesday is Halloween. I do not have the costumes ready and there are other preparations to be made. I decided that I could not afford to stay "on the bottom" and that I would wallow only one more day.

Today, I woke up and showered (always a good way to start) and smiled. I made my bed, and smiled. I helped the kids get ready and we walked to school and I smiled. I talked on the phone and I smiled. I helped Gramma pack and I smiled. I smiled on my face, I smiled in my heart, I smiled in my feet. I tried to "smile in my liver"... Thank you to Liz Gilbert, Author of "Eat, Pray, Love" for that quote. It is working. I am feeling better, I am feeling (semi) alive and although I have not gotten to the "up" place that would cause me to clean out closets all night long, I am up enough that I went to Target, and I am typing. I will be happy with this, for now.

I have never been good with balance. (o.k... stop laughing... I know you are thinking about how often I drop things and spontaneously fall over) I mean in my life. My house is either immaculate or a mess (my room was like this when I was a kid), my laundry is done or piled high, I am cooking major meals everyday or we are eating out every night. I am up, on, going a zillion miles an hour doing a hundred different things, or I am down, off and lying around feeling incapacitated. I have struggled with this for most of my life. I have sought help. I have gone to counseling, I have adjusted my hormones, I have tried some drugs. The drugs just made me lie around not able to care, but deep inside something was screaming, "GET UP...GET GOING...YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO!". I will pull myself up, by my bootstraps and I will get going, back up. I will try not to get so high that the elevation gets to my head and I can't breath. I will try to have some balance.

I have so much to write about and now, maybe I will have the strength to do it. The plumber is here to fix clogged drains, the kids are watching t.v., we are going out to dinner later, so... I think that I will take one half hour to read. Time for me. That is part of finding balance, doing for others and then for me. I know this, but it's not always easy to put into practice. The sun is peeking through my fog and maybe I can get it all to burn off by tomorrow. We'll see, we will see.