Darkness

It is getting darker, earlier and staying darker, later. I dread this "dark" time of the year. It often gets darker inside my soul... the holidays, memories and the lack of sunlight, seem to send me inward and that is not always the sunniest of places for me.

For me, Depression creeps in, like a fog bank. At first, you don't notice it, maybe the air gets chilly and you feel like you might need a sweater. Before long, you realize that you cannot see the ground before you and you are not sure if your next step will send you plummeting off of a cliff into the abyss of darkness. Summer for me this year was good. I was very, very Up... high, almost. But I felt the summer wearing me out and draining me. I coasted through September, lifted up momentarily by the updrafts the the first day of school can bring. This month, I am falling. It is getting darker. I started this month, feeling "tired". Not sleepy, but TIRED. Bone tired. I can't even walk across the room tired. I haven't written much during this month, because I could not muster the strength to type the words. Two weeks ago, I was falling asleep at work, falling asleep reading to the kids and falling into bed at 7:30! Exhausted. Last week, I felt the sadness coming and was prone to crying for no particular reason. I knew I was going deeper, but did not have the strength to stop. This weekend I hit the bottom....I did not want to do anything more than lie on the couch, staring at the t.v. I didn't even care if it was on, I didn't feel like pushing the buttons.

As I laid there last night, I thought about the busy week ahead. Today is my birthday, tomorrow we are moving Gramma, Wednesday is Halloween. I do not have the costumes ready and there are other preparations to be made. I decided that I could not afford to stay "on the bottom" and that I would wallow only one more day.

Today, I woke up and showered (always a good way to start) and smiled. I made my bed, and smiled. I helped the kids get ready and we walked to school and I smiled. I talked on the phone and I smiled. I helped Gramma pack and I smiled. I smiled on my face, I smiled in my heart, I smiled in my feet. I tried to "smile in my liver"... Thank you to Liz Gilbert, Author of "Eat, Pray, Love" for that quote. It is working. I am feeling better, I am feeling (semi) alive and although I have not gotten to the "up" place that would cause me to clean out closets all night long, I am up enough that I went to Target, and I am typing. I will be happy with this, for now.

I have never been good with balance. (o.k... stop laughing... I know you are thinking about how often I drop things and spontaneously fall over) I mean in my life. My house is either immaculate or a mess (my room was like this when I was a kid), my laundry is done or piled high, I am cooking major meals everyday or we are eating out every night. I am up, on, going a zillion miles an hour doing a hundred different things, or I am down, off and lying around feeling incapacitated. I have struggled with this for most of my life. I have sought help. I have gone to counseling, I have adjusted my hormones, I have tried some drugs. The drugs just made me lie around not able to care, but deep inside something was screaming, "GET UP...GET GOING...YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO!". I will pull myself up, by my bootstraps and I will get going, back up. I will try not to get so high that the elevation gets to my head and I can't breath. I will try to have some balance.

I have so much to write about and now, maybe I will have the strength to do it. The plumber is here to fix clogged drains, the kids are watching t.v., we are going out to dinner later, so... I think that I will take one half hour to read. Time for me. That is part of finding balance, doing for others and then for me. I know this, but it's not always easy to put into practice. The sun is peeking through my fog and maybe I can get it all to burn off by tomorrow. We'll see, we will see.

So much to say... So little time

I have been thinking a lot lately. Don't gasp like that! You know that I think TOO much, usually. I have come to realize a few things about myself and have a better understanding of why I act and react to certain things in the ways that I do. It was a big revelation. Too big to encapsulate here, but it's about me being a REALLY hard worker and not being able to give in to have FUN. I am working on it.... I will keep working on it.

We had a fun weekend. We went to Build a Bear and the children no longer have "naked friends" as they referred to their sadly, un-clad animals. Gavin chose an army outfit and a skateboard (?) and Ella picked out a ballerina dress complete with slippers for her bunny. She noted that the skirt was awfully short and that "Rabbit" should have some panties as well. Who am I to stiffle that kind of modesty?

Saturday, Andy had to work (BOO!) I cleaned out the kids' closet and worked around the house before we headed to my brother's house for a birthday celebration. (his, not mine) Sunday was GREAT! My mom came over and joined us for a visit to the Discovery Center where they had a special exhibit called Spooky Science. It was all about Egypt...so, there were snakes and scorpions (yes..live) and pyramids and mummies. Very interesting and very fun!

This week is zipping along and today, Ella did not nap. I hate that. She was cranky and into everything and she is still awake now, at 7:30, even though I know that she is exhausted. She is "reading" books to herself and I am taking a break from her! Andy and Gavin are at piano. I do have some laundry to fold and I really want to organize myself for scrapbooking tomorrow so I guess that I should bid you all, a fond farewell.

Vacation Interupted

Well, I guess that it is a bit anti-climactic to write about a vacation that ended so long ago...

but I feel that I left the story unfinished!

I got sick! A BAD head cold. I think that I had been fighting it off and that big hike just did me in. We spent the next day, at Rite Aid getting me some medicine and orange juice and just hanging around our camp. We met a really nice family from Duarte, which is just 30 minutes from our house. They had 3 boys and Gavin loved riding bikes, digging in the dirt and playing Pokemon with them. Ella trailed after them and had her own fun.

On Sunday, August 26th we took the gondola to the top of Mammoth Mountain... WOW! What a view. The altitude and the walking wore me out quickly and we went back to camp for more relaxing.


The next day was cloudy with lots of thunder rolling in all around us. It was gorgeous with the clouds in every possible shade of blue, gray, and lavender. We went to Convict Lake to fish and have a lovely walk amongst the elms and aspens along the shore of the lake. We had our lunch and headed back to our camp.

The last day of our trip, we spent a great deal of the morning just visiting and chatting with our new friends. At last, we packed up and headed toward home. We visited the Hot Springs, which were incredible, but have been closed to swimming due to increased volcanic activity. Yet another change, and experience I would not be sharing with my family. We stopped again at Schatt's Bakery so that we could take home some goodies. We also stopped at Dirty Sock Hot Spring. It was a place that served as an overnight stop for my family when I was a kid, as we headed up to June Lake, or Mammoth. We would pull in late at night, sleep and then get up and climb into what looked like a stone jacuzzi... a natural, sulfur hot spring that had been fortified for swimming. I remember my Dad driving along in the dark, with his nose out the window, trying to find the turnoff. At Dirty Sock, you could smell it before you could see it.

I found that this site had also changed. The pool had been rebuilt and was much larger, and I think that due to the increased volume of water, the sulfur was not as strong and the odor not nearly as pungent. The other draw back of the reduced sulfur was that the pool was VERY slimy with algae and there were TONS of dragonflies. Now, dragonfiles themselves don't bother me, but the stage before they fly... they are darting around IN the water. Needless to say, we didn't get in. But we did get "buzzed" by a jet fighter on it's way back to the Air Force Base before we left. THAT was exciting!

We arrived home, safe, tired, refreshed and rather, FILTHY. We had a great trip and look forward to our next adventure together!

SHHHHHHHH!

Don't tell, but I am home alone, in the middle 0f a Tuesday afternoon! I went to work early, then left to run errands... both for work and for home... now, the groceries are all put away and it is quiet... very, very quiet.....

Oh, and my house is CLEAN! Ana was here today, she is my cleaning angel....I have never been more grateful to have help with this daunting task.

I was hoping to have more time to write, but... I must leave soon to pick up Gavin at daycare.

I love these times of peace, they give me the strength to get through the times of craziness! Just thinking about tonight and the homework and the dinner and the papers and the baths and the stories and the dishes and the laundry and the projects and the mail... yikes.... I think that I just broke out in hives!

I haven't written because we have been BUSY!!!!! We were hardly home last weekend at all. I went to an all day scrapbooking event, YEAH! I had to leave for 4 hours in the middle of it to do a wedding, BOO. I made money, YEAH! I was the coordinator for the ceremony and the simple cake reception that followed AND I was the photographer! YEAH! The Bride was a princess, BOO and the Mom was Momzilla, BOO. We had a few things go wrong and I really did break out in hives, BOO. In the end, everyone was happy, YEAH.

Sunday we went to church and then to another family's house for dinner. It was really fun and we loved hanging out with them. We stayed too late and nobody went to bed before 9:30.. ugh!

Yesterday was AWESOME... we took Ella to Disneyland... just Ella, while Gavin was at school and we treated her to a Princess Fantasy Day! We did all things girly and princessy (is that a word?) and NO boy things AT ALL! We even went to a special character restaraunt where the princesses come to your table! She loved it and we loved watching her and had a blast!

My time has come to an end and the peace and quiet will soon be replaced by lots of joyous and raucous activity. Ta-ta... enjoy!