I know that I sounded very down last week, but... that is just the way it goes sometimes. I am really doing very well and have taken this time to think and meditate and muse upon what it is that I really want. I don't know if I have an answer, but it is forming.
At church last week, our minister said something that made me think. (Well, she usually does, but this gem hit me right between the eyes!) The quote was, "We can choose our actions, but we cannot chose our consequences." WOW!!!! Yes!!!! I can make all of the choices that I want, but I cannot decide what will happen because of them. I can drive 90 miles an hour down the freeway, that is my choice! But, I cannot choose what might happen because of it. I could get into an accident, I could hurt others, I could get a ticket! The way I really connected it with my life is: I chose to buy this house, with a big 'ol mortgage. That was my choice. The consequence for that choice is that I have to go to work full time. (the consequences of that are many!) Therefore, I must be very clear with myself, that I am o.k. with that consequence. If I am not, then maybe I need to make a different choice!
I know that I want to be right here in this house, with my family. Maybe giving up the house is not "it", maybe it is giving up some of the "stuff" that we do. We do a lot! Concerts for the kids, sports, lesson, classes, lots of stuff.
This summer, it does not look like we are going to have much money so, I have had to start thinking about what we will not be able to do. By doing this however, I have started to see all of the things that we CAN do! If we do not have to be up early for Sports Camp, we can sleep in! If we do not have to keep to a schedule for swim lessons, we can go on an all day adventure. If we do not drive all over creation, we can play in our own backyard. If we do not have a ton of commitments, we are free to read, swim, drink kool aid and hang out together! It is starting to sound really good.
I am still working through all of this "stuff"... but I am getting there... I feel it... I am growing, again!
Welcome!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ahhhh emotions
I am feeling very.. humph, I don't even know what words to describe it. On the surface I might say, depressed but there is more to it than that.
I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".
I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.
For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.
I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.
I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!
The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.
Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.
Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.
A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.
I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".
I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.
For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.
I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.
I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!
The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.
Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.
Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.
A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Hi There!
I am still here... are you? I hope that I have not lost all of my readers due to my lack of posts! I have been...... fill in the blank, I dare you!
You are so very smart! Yes, I have been busy! Student teaching in the second grade is going well, I will have 3 weeks more to do when I return after Spring Break. I had a couple of amazing teaching days that I am very proud of and I am enjoying the enthusiasm of these younger kids. I am on "break" right now and working diligently to complete the two sided, single spaced "To Do" list!
I went to Arizona for my annual scrapbooking weekend with my best college bud. She lives in Tucson and so we "meet in the middle" which happens to be Yuma. This year we were super lucky and got to stay at my Dad's "second home" there. NO HOTEL BILL!!! We scrapped, slept, rested, walked, shopped, ate and TALKED for 3 days. As always, it was great to get away but even greater to come back home!
I have a new nephew! Andy's brother and wife brought Micah Vardiman into the world on March 29th! We have not met him in person yet, but hope to make the long drive out to Arizona in the next month or so. For now, pictures will have to suffice.
We had a wonderful Easter weekend in San Diego with family and were close enough to the latest earthquakes that we got a little adrenaline rush to go with it. No damage so we were thankful for that. We also got another visit to Sea World wedged in there and even though it rained, we had a great time!
Spent the day with good friends yesterday and had a field trip to the biggest Whole Foods market on the planet. We had lunch with 5 kids and three adults... ratio not too bad. Then we went back to the house and cooked up an amazing multicultural meal including a yummy chocolaty dessert. It was a really fun day!
Andy has spent the week working on finishing painting the kitchen cabinets. This was a challenging project that he started 2 years ago and then I went back to school and it made a good reason to put it off. The majority of the kitchen is done, it is just the bar at the end of the room that did not get done. Today, we will stain the top and he will hang the doors and we can call this one, wrapped up. Feels and looks great.
I am going to take my car for a long overdue car wash and Ella and I will be getting mani/pedis later! She has never been and it has been two years for me. Should be fun, girly bonding time! Tonight we will visit with friends that we have not seen in a while so we are looking forward to that.
Life is good and full of joy... hope that you are enjoying Spring and all that it has to offer.
You are so very smart! Yes, I have been busy! Student teaching in the second grade is going well, I will have 3 weeks more to do when I return after Spring Break. I had a couple of amazing teaching days that I am very proud of and I am enjoying the enthusiasm of these younger kids. I am on "break" right now and working diligently to complete the two sided, single spaced "To Do" list!
I went to Arizona for my annual scrapbooking weekend with my best college bud. She lives in Tucson and so we "meet in the middle" which happens to be Yuma. This year we were super lucky and got to stay at my Dad's "second home" there. NO HOTEL BILL!!! We scrapped, slept, rested, walked, shopped, ate and TALKED for 3 days. As always, it was great to get away but even greater to come back home!
I have a new nephew! Andy's brother and wife brought Micah Vardiman into the world on March 29th! We have not met him in person yet, but hope to make the long drive out to Arizona in the next month or so. For now, pictures will have to suffice.
We had a wonderful Easter weekend in San Diego with family and were close enough to the latest earthquakes that we got a little adrenaline rush to go with it. No damage so we were thankful for that. We also got another visit to Sea World wedged in there and even though it rained, we had a great time!
Spent the day with good friends yesterday and had a field trip to the biggest Whole Foods market on the planet. We had lunch with 5 kids and three adults... ratio not too bad. Then we went back to the house and cooked up an amazing multicultural meal including a yummy chocolaty dessert. It was a really fun day!
Andy has spent the week working on finishing painting the kitchen cabinets. This was a challenging project that he started 2 years ago and then I went back to school and it made a good reason to put it off. The majority of the kitchen is done, it is just the bar at the end of the room that did not get done. Today, we will stain the top and he will hang the doors and we can call this one, wrapped up. Feels and looks great.
I am going to take my car for a long overdue car wash and Ella and I will be getting mani/pedis later! She has never been and it has been two years for me. Should be fun, girly bonding time! Tonight we will visit with friends that we have not seen in a while so we are looking forward to that.
Life is good and full of joy... hope that you are enjoying Spring and all that it has to offer.
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