I once, was lost...

Right before Christmas time, I decided that buying juice boxes was really wasteful. Not for parties or camping or the occasional picnic but for packing into my kids lunches every single day. I realized that I could not only save money, but save the environment one little juice box at a time. I decided to invest in a thermos for each child. Now, if you know me... you know, that once I get an idea into my head I cannot sleep until I have accomplished whatever it is that I have now decided to obsess about. (It is what makes me so productive, AND so neurotic!)

I headed out to Target one night with a long list of "necessaries", one of them being thermoses (is that how you pluralize that?) I went to the isle and started looking. Little did I know that the thermos has come a LONG way since I was a kid and they were plastic, simple things with a lid and a cup. They CAME with your lunch box back then, remember? Well, in case you didn't know...the "thermos" is now made of metal and comes with a fancy straw that pops up with the push of a button. They do NOT come with a lunch box, but with a rather high price tag. $15! Yes, I said $15!!! EACH!! I was in a bit of shock! This was going to cost me $30 for two of these suckers. I mulled this over and let it roll around in my brain, but like I said earlier.. .when I get an idea. I decided that I would recoup this in no time because bottles of juice are cheaper than the juice boxes AND I could also pack milk and maybe even the occasional lemonade which is even cheaper. I then chose a cute flowered girly one for Ella and a wicked cool Clone Wars one for Gavin. Deed done.

The first day of thermos use. I went to write the kids names on the sides and Gavin protested. He said it wasn't "cool". I discreetly wrote his initials in "cool" Star Wars style writing. I then filled the bottles and sent the kids off. When the kids came home and I went to unpack the lunches, I discovered that Gavin's thermos was not there. I came only slightly annoyed and asked him where it was. He told me that he had taken into the classroom and used it in the afternoon and when he left school he had put it into an outside pocket of his backpack. After that, he was unclear about where it had gone. I came unhinged! I railed him for being irresponsible and not taking care of his things. We had been through this before with jackets, towels and other items. I lectured until I turned blue and he quit listening.

The next day, we checked his classroom, the lost and found at school and at daycare and we asked all of the teachers and the staff if they had seen it. The answer was a resounding "no". I lectured and got angry some more, because somehow I was sure that if I chewed him out enough, he would pay me back $15 worth in guilt and sorriness.

The thermos never showed up. We have checked the lost and found. No thermos. I told Gavin, that he would just not get a drink packed in his lunch. Looking back, I realize now that I should have just said this and not gone on and on giving the kid a load of grief. Hindsight... hmmmm...

Last week, Gavin wore his good heavy jacket to school one day because it was raining and really cold. The jacket came home without it's hood. Who in the world makes hoods REMOVABLE from kids' jackets!? Must be people without kids. Again, I lost my mind and ranted and raved and laid the guilt on thick. I really needed him to learn a lesson! He needed to learn to be more responsible with his things! These two incidents are only a few in the many times that I have hounded this child with the lecture about how we treat our property.

Last weekend, I went scrapbooking. I left, without my jacket. I did not realize it until Tuesday when it was cold and I had no jacket to wear. I spent the entire day trying to figure out what had happened to it. Did it go in the laundry? "Andy, have you seen my black jacket?" "Nope!", he answered. I stomped around positive that SOMEONE had touched my jacket. Then, I remembered that I had hung it on the back of the chair and had not worn it home. Ooops. I called my friend and she said that she had my jacket. Silly me.

Last night, I went to Target. Gavin came with me and we picked up some storage containers and other items for the house. When we left it was raining, I grabbed one bag, handed Gavin the other, popped open the umbrella and we ran for the car. This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work I was looking for my wallet. I looked everywhere. Not in my bag, not in my room, not on the entry table, not in my car. My heart suddenly dropped into my stomach. I had left my wallet in the cart at Target. The rain and the late hour had me worn out and rushing and in that state of mind, I forgot to grab my wallet. With $500 cash in it. Now, I NEVER have cash, but Andy and I have been trying to pay for things with cash and this was the grocery money for the month that I had just gotten from the bank. I usually keep this in a different spot and only carry the cash I will need for the errand I am running. Not tonight. I had been in a hurry and just left it all in my wallet, the wallet that I had left in a cart outside of Target.

I called Target...not open yet. I went online to check card balances...no purchases had been made on the debit or credit card. This was a good sign. I hoped that someone had found my wallet and that they had turned it in. I hoped that they had not taken the money. I called the store again, no answer. I got mad. Mad at myself for being so stupid and careless. Then I felt guilty to my family for losing the money. What were we going to do? That was all we had for the entire month! Then, I cried and told Andy I was sorry for being such an idiot. He said that it was going to be o.k. and that he wasn't mad. I called the store again...no answer. I decided to just drive down there. I went to the service desk and with my voice wavering, asked if anyone had turned in a wallet the night before. My hands were beginning to sweat as the sales girl opened the log, I saw my name in the book right before she said "yes" and asked for my name. It took 15 minutes for the manager to bring my wallet from the safe. I was relieved, but still felt nauseated at the thought of the money being gone. The manager told me that it was a man who had returned it and that he said that he hadn't even opened it. I did. The money was there, all of it. Thank you, mister.

While driving to work I realized that the universe was again at work - teaching me. I had needed to learn a lesson. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all misplace, forget and lose things. Some things are small, like a jacket and some are big, like a $15 thermos and others are so huge we start to panic in the face of the loss. I realized that my son had not lost these things because he was careless or that he didn't care about the value of them. He lost them, because he is a little boy. Because he is human. I realized that he had probably already beaten himself up for losing them. He was already sorry and that the last thing he needed was a mom to beat him up some more. He needed me to help him look and then, deal with the loss. He did not need my anger or the guilt.

I was humbled today, by my human-ness and realized that I need to show more compassion. My husband showed me that with his calm way. I mean, come on - I lost my WALLET!!! FULL OF CASH!!! I am very, very thankful that God did not decide that I needed to actually lose the money to learn the lesson and I am grateful for the chance to grow. You know God, you made me sweat a little! I apologized to my son tonight and he had the chance to see me grow as I admitted to my mistakes. My mistake at not being more careful with my wallet but more importantly not being careful with the most important thing...my child's heart.

More news and musings coming soon....

The holidays flew by.. photos coming soon....
Ella's 5th birthday... whoosh.. photos coming soon....
Teaching 5th grade... already in the middle of week three out of 8.....

Time.... flies....dips....soars....and slips away....

Growing and learning in more ways than I thought possible.

New book, new insight: "Scream Free Parenting"

This author had me in tears as I realized how much I have been holding my children responsible for my own happiness and the climate of our home.... and how little freedom I give them over themselves, their decisions and their lives. Whew... eye opening to say the least.
Before tonight, it has been three weeks since I have "screamed" at anyone... and tonight, I only raised my voice as a chunk of bread flew across the room and a glass of milk went spilling down onto clean cushion and floor. I also apologized for the raised voice and got myself in check very quickly.

My children no longer have to clean their rooms. I have not lost my mind, but it means that I no longer have to nag and yell at them to clean their rooms. There are consequences...when Gavin wanted me to come in and hang out (in a room that looked literally like a bomb had gone off in it), I declined. I told him that it was too messy in there for me and it made me uncomfortable. He could join me in my room. His room has not looked like THAT since. He has also been informed that if the laundry is not in the hamper, it will not be washed. It is in the hamper, every day. If I cannot walk through the room to access said hamper, the clothes will not be retrieved. There is a path.

The children must clean up their rooms the night before the house cleaner comes. Last week, they were so excited you would think that I was handing out golden tickets for the cleanest room. Both rooms were clean and neat in less than a half hour WITHOUT ANY nagging, begging, or screaming!

I do not scream in the morning ANY MORE. There are consequences for not getting out of bed, dressed and to the table for breakfast. Breakfast is over at 7:40. If you are not there before then, you will not be served any food. Period. Both children have missed breakfast several times. I am happy to report, that no one has died of starvation. If you are not ready when I walk out the door at 8:00, I am still walking out the door. And I am leaving, with our without you in the car. As of yet, no one has tested this consequence, but I think that we all know.. I am not kidding. I will absolutely freak out if I leave a child home....but they will never know it. I trust that Gavin will get himself off to school, whether he runs there or calls Grampa. I am not sure... about Ella, but I don't think it will come to that with her. Yet. If you decide to stay in bed until the last possible minute.. you will only have that one minute to get dressed and get ready. Gavin has gone to school with crazy hair and bad breath.. really...it is his image, not mine... as soon as the other kids comment, I am sure that this too, will end.

Ella picks out her own outfits now, with no help or input from me. Please don't judge me for the all pink outfit or the completely mismatched articles of clothing that she decides are the height of preschool fashion. I will not engage in this battle, not at age 5. When she is 15 and her boobs are showing, it will be a different story, but not now. I have been given the privilege of choosing her outfits on Saturday, this is our compromise. Oh, but only if she is not going somewhere "important" or "where my friends might see me".

No screaming? You bet! In my head? Hell yes!