Ahhhh emotions

I am feeling very.. humph, I don't even know what words to describe it. On the surface I might say, depressed but there is more to it than that.

I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".

I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.

For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.

I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.

I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!

The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.

Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.

Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.

A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.

Hi There!

I am still here... are you? I hope that I have not lost all of my readers due to my lack of posts! I have been...... fill in the blank, I dare you!

You are so very smart! Yes, I have been busy! Student teaching in the second grade is going well, I will have 3 weeks more to do when I return after Spring Break. I had a couple of amazing teaching days that I am very proud of and I am enjoying the enthusiasm of these younger kids. I am on "break" right now and working diligently to complete the two sided, single spaced "To Do" list!

I went to Arizona for my annual scrapbooking weekend with my best college bud. She lives in Tucson and so we "meet in the middle" which happens to be Yuma. This year we were super lucky and got to stay at my Dad's "second home" there. NO HOTEL BILL!!! We scrapped, slept, rested, walked, shopped, ate and TALKED for 3 days. As always, it was great to get away but even greater to come back home!

I have a new nephew! Andy's brother and wife brought Micah Vardiman into the world on March 29th! We have not met him in person yet, but hope to make the long drive out to Arizona in the next month or so. For now, pictures will have to suffice.

We had a wonderful Easter weekend in San Diego with family and were close enough to the latest earthquakes that we got a little adrenaline rush to go with it. No damage so we were thankful for that. We also got another visit to Sea World wedged in there and even though it rained, we had a great time!

Spent the day with good friends yesterday and had a field trip to the biggest Whole Foods market on the planet. We had lunch with 5 kids and three adults... ratio not too bad. Then we went back to the house and cooked up an amazing multicultural meal including a yummy chocolaty dessert. It was a really fun day!

Andy has spent the week working on finishing painting the kitchen cabinets. This was a challenging project that he started 2 years ago and then I went back to school and it made a good reason to put it off. The majority of the kitchen is done, it is just the bar at the end of the room that did not get done. Today, we will stain the top and he will hang the doors and we can call this one, wrapped up. Feels and looks great.

I am going to take my car for a long overdue car wash and Ella and I will be getting mani/pedis later! She has never been and it has been two years for me. Should be fun, girly bonding time! Tonight we will visit with friends that we have not seen in a while so we are looking forward to that.

Life is good and full of joy... hope that you are enjoying Spring and all that it has to offer.

New Adventures

I finished student teaching in the 5th grade. It was really great. I learned a lot and had fun. I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and I know...that I am really good at it. There were challenges, but I overcame them and now I am moving on.

I was supposed to start at one school in Kindergarten, but that got changed. Then, I was assigned to a different school to be in the 1st grade. That too, got changed. This morning when I reported for my new assignment at 7:30 (gasp! I had to get up at 5:30!) the secretary informed me that I was not going to be in that teachers class after all. She called the principal (who I was told was going to be there to meet me this morning, but was not.. seeing as how she was on the phone) and then proceeded out into the hall to ask teachers if they wanted me. Sheesh! Good thing for me, someone said "Yes!" I am now going to be student teaching in the 2nd grade.

Seeing as how the teacher had all of five minutes to prepare for me, I only stayed long enough to teach the kids how to say my name and to introduce myself. Then, I left. This provided me with the opportunity to run around, do errands and finish the laundry. Thank goodness.

I am prepping for Gavin's birthday and still really had no idea what I was doing for the cake. I know now! I also had the time today to prepare the items that I will need for the party itself. As do most days, this one went by quickly and now dinner time approaches. I have paper work left to tend to, but I wanted to let you all know how it is going.

No major revelations, only a reminder that life is sweet and precious and fragile and love is the one thing that can save us all.

That is pretty major, it is just not a new revelation. I was reminded of these truths over the weekend through birthday celebrations, blessings of new families and good people just doing what is right.

I once, was lost...

Right before Christmas time, I decided that buying juice boxes was really wasteful. Not for parties or camping or the occasional picnic but for packing into my kids lunches every single day. I realized that I could not only save money, but save the environment one little juice box at a time. I decided to invest in a thermos for each child. Now, if you know me... you know, that once I get an idea into my head I cannot sleep until I have accomplished whatever it is that I have now decided to obsess about. (It is what makes me so productive, AND so neurotic!)

I headed out to Target one night with a long list of "necessaries", one of them being thermoses (is that how you pluralize that?) I went to the isle and started looking. Little did I know that the thermos has come a LONG way since I was a kid and they were plastic, simple things with a lid and a cup. They CAME with your lunch box back then, remember? Well, in case you didn't know...the "thermos" is now made of metal and comes with a fancy straw that pops up with the push of a button. They do NOT come with a lunch box, but with a rather high price tag. $15! Yes, I said $15!!! EACH!! I was in a bit of shock! This was going to cost me $30 for two of these suckers. I mulled this over and let it roll around in my brain, but like I said earlier.. .when I get an idea. I decided that I would recoup this in no time because bottles of juice are cheaper than the juice boxes AND I could also pack milk and maybe even the occasional lemonade which is even cheaper. I then chose a cute flowered girly one for Ella and a wicked cool Clone Wars one for Gavin. Deed done.

The first day of thermos use. I went to write the kids names on the sides and Gavin protested. He said it wasn't "cool". I discreetly wrote his initials in "cool" Star Wars style writing. I then filled the bottles and sent the kids off. When the kids came home and I went to unpack the lunches, I discovered that Gavin's thermos was not there. I came only slightly annoyed and asked him where it was. He told me that he had taken into the classroom and used it in the afternoon and when he left school he had put it into an outside pocket of his backpack. After that, he was unclear about where it had gone. I came unhinged! I railed him for being irresponsible and not taking care of his things. We had been through this before with jackets, towels and other items. I lectured until I turned blue and he quit listening.

The next day, we checked his classroom, the lost and found at school and at daycare and we asked all of the teachers and the staff if they had seen it. The answer was a resounding "no". I lectured and got angry some more, because somehow I was sure that if I chewed him out enough, he would pay me back $15 worth in guilt and sorriness.

The thermos never showed up. We have checked the lost and found. No thermos. I told Gavin, that he would just not get a drink packed in his lunch. Looking back, I realize now that I should have just said this and not gone on and on giving the kid a load of grief. Hindsight... hmmmm...

Last week, Gavin wore his good heavy jacket to school one day because it was raining and really cold. The jacket came home without it's hood. Who in the world makes hoods REMOVABLE from kids' jackets!? Must be people without kids. Again, I lost my mind and ranted and raved and laid the guilt on thick. I really needed him to learn a lesson! He needed to learn to be more responsible with his things! These two incidents are only a few in the many times that I have hounded this child with the lecture about how we treat our property.

Last weekend, I went scrapbooking. I left, without my jacket. I did not realize it until Tuesday when it was cold and I had no jacket to wear. I spent the entire day trying to figure out what had happened to it. Did it go in the laundry? "Andy, have you seen my black jacket?" "Nope!", he answered. I stomped around positive that SOMEONE had touched my jacket. Then, I remembered that I had hung it on the back of the chair and had not worn it home. Ooops. I called my friend and she said that she had my jacket. Silly me.

Last night, I went to Target. Gavin came with me and we picked up some storage containers and other items for the house. When we left it was raining, I grabbed one bag, handed Gavin the other, popped open the umbrella and we ran for the car. This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work I was looking for my wallet. I looked everywhere. Not in my bag, not in my room, not on the entry table, not in my car. My heart suddenly dropped into my stomach. I had left my wallet in the cart at Target. The rain and the late hour had me worn out and rushing and in that state of mind, I forgot to grab my wallet. With $500 cash in it. Now, I NEVER have cash, but Andy and I have been trying to pay for things with cash and this was the grocery money for the month that I had just gotten from the bank. I usually keep this in a different spot and only carry the cash I will need for the errand I am running. Not tonight. I had been in a hurry and just left it all in my wallet, the wallet that I had left in a cart outside of Target.

I called Target...not open yet. I went online to check card balances...no purchases had been made on the debit or credit card. This was a good sign. I hoped that someone had found my wallet and that they had turned it in. I hoped that they had not taken the money. I called the store again, no answer. I got mad. Mad at myself for being so stupid and careless. Then I felt guilty to my family for losing the money. What were we going to do? That was all we had for the entire month! Then, I cried and told Andy I was sorry for being such an idiot. He said that it was going to be o.k. and that he wasn't mad. I called the store again...no answer. I decided to just drive down there. I went to the service desk and with my voice wavering, asked if anyone had turned in a wallet the night before. My hands were beginning to sweat as the sales girl opened the log, I saw my name in the book right before she said "yes" and asked for my name. It took 15 minutes for the manager to bring my wallet from the safe. I was relieved, but still felt nauseated at the thought of the money being gone. The manager told me that it was a man who had returned it and that he said that he hadn't even opened it. I did. The money was there, all of it. Thank you, mister.

While driving to work I realized that the universe was again at work - teaching me. I had needed to learn a lesson. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all misplace, forget and lose things. Some things are small, like a jacket and some are big, like a $15 thermos and others are so huge we start to panic in the face of the loss. I realized that my son had not lost these things because he was careless or that he didn't care about the value of them. He lost them, because he is a little boy. Because he is human. I realized that he had probably already beaten himself up for losing them. He was already sorry and that the last thing he needed was a mom to beat him up some more. He needed me to help him look and then, deal with the loss. He did not need my anger or the guilt.

I was humbled today, by my human-ness and realized that I need to show more compassion. My husband showed me that with his calm way. I mean, come on - I lost my WALLET!!! FULL OF CASH!!! I am very, very thankful that God did not decide that I needed to actually lose the money to learn the lesson and I am grateful for the chance to grow. You know God, you made me sweat a little! I apologized to my son tonight and he had the chance to see me grow as I admitted to my mistakes. My mistake at not being more careful with my wallet but more importantly not being careful with the most important thing...my child's heart.

More news and musings coming soon....

The holidays flew by.. photos coming soon....
Ella's 5th birthday... whoosh.. photos coming soon....
Teaching 5th grade... already in the middle of week three out of 8.....

Time.... flies....dips....soars....and slips away....

Growing and learning in more ways than I thought possible.

New book, new insight: "Scream Free Parenting"

This author had me in tears as I realized how much I have been holding my children responsible for my own happiness and the climate of our home.... and how little freedom I give them over themselves, their decisions and their lives. Whew... eye opening to say the least.
Before tonight, it has been three weeks since I have "screamed" at anyone... and tonight, I only raised my voice as a chunk of bread flew across the room and a glass of milk went spilling down onto clean cushion and floor. I also apologized for the raised voice and got myself in check very quickly.

My children no longer have to clean their rooms. I have not lost my mind, but it means that I no longer have to nag and yell at them to clean their rooms. There are consequences...when Gavin wanted me to come in and hang out (in a room that looked literally like a bomb had gone off in it), I declined. I told him that it was too messy in there for me and it made me uncomfortable. He could join me in my room. His room has not looked like THAT since. He has also been informed that if the laundry is not in the hamper, it will not be washed. It is in the hamper, every day. If I cannot walk through the room to access said hamper, the clothes will not be retrieved. There is a path.

The children must clean up their rooms the night before the house cleaner comes. Last week, they were so excited you would think that I was handing out golden tickets for the cleanest room. Both rooms were clean and neat in less than a half hour WITHOUT ANY nagging, begging, or screaming!

I do not scream in the morning ANY MORE. There are consequences for not getting out of bed, dressed and to the table for breakfast. Breakfast is over at 7:40. If you are not there before then, you will not be served any food. Period. Both children have missed breakfast several times. I am happy to report, that no one has died of starvation. If you are not ready when I walk out the door at 8:00, I am still walking out the door. And I am leaving, with our without you in the car. As of yet, no one has tested this consequence, but I think that we all know.. I am not kidding. I will absolutely freak out if I leave a child home....but they will never know it. I trust that Gavin will get himself off to school, whether he runs there or calls Grampa. I am not sure... about Ella, but I don't think it will come to that with her. Yet. If you decide to stay in bed until the last possible minute.. you will only have that one minute to get dressed and get ready. Gavin has gone to school with crazy hair and bad breath.. really...it is his image, not mine... as soon as the other kids comment, I am sure that this too, will end.

Ella picks out her own outfits now, with no help or input from me. Please don't judge me for the all pink outfit or the completely mismatched articles of clothing that she decides are the height of preschool fashion. I will not engage in this battle, not at age 5. When she is 15 and her boobs are showing, it will be a different story, but not now. I have been given the privilege of choosing her outfits on Saturday, this is our compromise. Oh, but only if she is not going somewhere "important" or "where my friends might see me".

No screaming? You bet! In my head? Hell yes!