New musings

I know that I sounded very down last week, but... that is just the way it goes sometimes. I am really doing very well and have taken this time to think and meditate and muse upon what it is that I really want. I don't know if I have an answer, but it is forming.

At church last week, our minister said something that made me think. (Well, she usually does, but this gem hit me right between the eyes!) The quote was, "We can choose our actions, but we cannot chose our consequences." WOW!!!! Yes!!!! I can make all of the choices that I want, but I cannot decide what will happen because of them. I can drive 90 miles an hour down the freeway, that is my choice! But, I cannot choose what might happen because of it. I could get into an accident, I could hurt others, I could get a ticket! The way I really connected it with my life is: I chose to buy this house, with a big 'ol mortgage. That was my choice. The consequence for that choice is that I have to go to work full time. (the consequences of that are many!) Therefore, I must be very clear with myself, that I am o.k. with that consequence. If I am not, then maybe I need to make a different choice!

I know that I want to be right here in this house, with my family. Maybe giving up the house is not "it", maybe it is giving up some of the "stuff" that we do. We do a lot! Concerts for the kids, sports, lesson, classes, lots of stuff.

This summer, it does not look like we are going to have much money so, I have had to start thinking about what we will not be able to do. By doing this however, I have started to see all of the things that we CAN do! If we do not have to be up early for Sports Camp, we can sleep in! If we do not have to keep to a schedule for swim lessons, we can go on an all day adventure. If we do not drive all over creation, we can play in our own backyard. If we do not have a ton of commitments, we are free to read, swim, drink kool aid and hang out together! It is starting to sound really good.

I am still working through all of this "stuff"... but I am getting there... I feel it... I am growing, again!

Ahhhh emotions

I am feeling very.. humph, I don't even know what words to describe it. On the surface I might say, depressed but there is more to it than that.

I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".

I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.

For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.

I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.

I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!

The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.

Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.

Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.

A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.

My Pa

Well, after sitting here at the computer crying for the last half hour, I have come to a great understanding of myself. Growing can be so painful and when we finally understand something, it is a release.... I found myself being released from one of the biggest chains that has bound me for the last 40 years. Even though I will still carry this chain on my journey it does not bind me so tightly anymore.

I find it fascinating that we can be working away on something and not even realize where it is taking us. It is often as if we are divinely guided to seek our own truth, and when we are not even aware that we are on a journey, the arrival at our destination can be surprising and even take our breath away.

I have been working on developing a unit on Westward Movement for one of my masters classes. I based my unit on the Little House books because I have loved them from the moment that I got my hands on them. I dreamed of living on the prairie, with long braids swishing as I ran down a big hill toward my little home. I went to a summer camp when I was about 10 or 11 that was called Pioneer Days. It was a sleep away camp and we did wonderful activities like, make our own soap (with lye), create corn husk dolls and even cook a turkey in a pit, overnight. It was like a dream come true. I watched the Little House series and usually cried at the sappy sentimentality of it all. I honestly believe that it is possible that in a previous life, I was a pioneer girl, living life in a little cabin and discovering the joys all around me. All of that, led me to create this unit. I figure that if you have to do work, do it on something that you have a passion for. So, here I am... working away.

Today, when I opened my email, I got a message from my step mom saying that she and my dad would not be able to come up for the weekend that we had planned. There is a LOT that goes into this, but basically, my father and I are not close. For most of my life, I have felt as if I don't really have a "Dad", he hasn't really been there for me. He is not the guy that a girl can call when her car (or her heart) is broken, or when she has a financial question, or needs help to build a patio cover. Being around him is a lot of work, and can be very painful. He doesn't like me much and really doesn't know me, at all. I wish that we had a relationship, but he really seems to have his priorities mixed up and is more concerned with Rotary picnics and watering his lawn in Yuma, Arizona. Needless to say, I was very hurt and disappointed by the news that they wouldn't be coming up to visit. (from San Diego..just wanted to clarify... they do not live very far away and we have not spent time with them since Christmas)

So, I have work to do and after I finished erasing their names from both of my calendars for the weekend that they were supposed to come (which of course was in pencil.. I have learned at least that much). I cried. I cried because they don't care much, and it hurts. I cried because my kids are not important to them and I cried because I feel very, very alone in the world a lot of the time and I have, for much of my life. I decided to let myself have a five minute cry and then, get over it. I know that I should not be surprised or hurt by this news, but I am, I always am. I took a deep breath and got back to work.

I sat writing out lesson plans and adding books to my annotated bibliography when I got to a small book. A biography on Laura herself and I read about a time when Laura had slapped her sister and then gotten whipped by her Pa. The book says that she sobbed and sobbed as if "her heart would break" It was what came next that took me by surprise, this simple passage:

"The little house ... was suddenly much too small. There was no place for Laura to go, no place to hide and cry. Laura sat on a chair in the corner and felt miserable. After a while Pa said again, 'Come here, Laura.' Her heart melted when she heard that kindness in his voice. Pa pulled her onto his lap to comfort her. As his big strong arms surrounded her, she felt that everything was all right again. Pa had always understood Laura."

I broke down and a flood of thoughts, memories and emotions took me by surprise. I understood, why these books and stories had meant so much to me and it was NOT the reasons that I had thought.

I felt a lot like Laura when I was growing up. I was a little rebellious (if not in action, at least in thought) I did not always fit in and I was jealous of my sibling (he was younger and a boy, but I shared much of Laura's feelings that she had towards Mary). I felt heartbroken and as if there was no where to go and nowhere to hide from my family, my feelings and myself. The crucial difference for Laura, was that she had Pa. I think that I read these stories so that I could have a little bit of Pa for myself. I suddenly remembered fantasizing about working with Pa in the fields and helping him with the animals. I think that lots of times I cried at the TV show, because of Pa and his love and devotion to his family and the way that he always understood Laura. Mostly, because he always loved her. NO MATTER WHAT. When she was rascally, or in trouble, he loved her. When she was struggling to behave or do her school work, he loved her. As she grew, so did his love for her, and his respect. I think, that I was filling myself with that. Drinking in the Pa that I did not have for myself. I think I was fascinated by that relationship and that gift that Laura had, and I think that I may have been a bit jealous, too. I also think that it is why I cried so bitterly, when Michael Landon passed away. He was my Pa... he was a bit of a hero for me, when I had none.

So, here I am. Writing a unit. Getting my Masters. For who? For me? For Pa? For my Dad? I had NO idea that I would be HERE, emotionally, right NOW. I was not prepared. I am constantly amazed by the direction our path can take us and by the unexpected treasures, discoveries and mysteries that we find along the way. Here is what I learned today...

Some girls are lucky enough to have a "Pa" and some girls are smart enough to find one for their own daughters. I am blessed to have have found both in my life, even when one of them could never put his arms around me, I believe that he taught me what to look for. I may not have had a living man to look up to, but I had a beautiful example of a father. I was never as alone as I thought I was, and I might have missed out on some things, but I was still given a chance, to be with a father and learn from him. I have been given gifts that I have never even opened and I need to remember that sometimes the most beautiful and profound things are just waiting to be discovered, right in front of you. Thank you, Charles Ingalls for teaching me what a father should be. And, thank you Laura for letting me share him with you.