Ahhhh emotions

I am feeling very.. humph, I don't even know what words to describe it. On the surface I might say, depressed but there is more to it than that.

I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I do not have a job for next year, or any real prospects of finding one. I have a lot of great ideas, but whether any of them will pan out remains to be seen. I also feel guilty that I am the one that spends so much of the household income, yet currently contribute nothing to it. I have tried to remind myself that it has only been during the last two months that I have no income and then I remember that I am still earing Ella's child care and my tuition, so I am contributing something....But, that is not helping. Today, I had to make a Target run and escaped with only a $25 bill... really good, huh? But, I don't really have $25 since we are already negative by about $500 this month. We have borrowed from our own savings to cover expenses but I feel like we are "in the hole".

I am starting to worry about our mortgage. When we bought this house 3 1/2 years ago, we had a great plan. We knew that we were taking on a BIG mortgage that we really could not afford at the moment, but our "plan" made us confident that we would be able to pay for it in the very near future. The bank offered us an interest only payment for the first 5 years and that would allow us time to start making the money that we needed to make a full payment. After the 5 years, our interest rate will adjust and can be set at 3x the market rate. (that could be 12%!!!) The plan was simple: I would go back to school and then get a teaching job. We would then re-finance the house for a better and fixed rate. NO problem, right? Problem: The housing market tanked and we owe more than our house is worth. Can't re-fi. Also, with all of the budget cuts there are NO teaching jobs and because I quit my old job to go back to school, I now have NO job at all. Hmm. Well, we heard about modifications and decided that might be a way to get out of this mess.

For the past 10 months we have been trying to modify our home loan and my emotions have run the gamut. I have been confident, strong, excited, nervous, scared, hopeless, angry and the list goes on. The first attempt, Andy handled all of the phone calls and paperwork and we were denied because our financial situation is not "permanent". That was about the stupidest reason ever! DUH! If I got a job then I wouldn't have such a problem, but I don't have one, so until I do... what? We then hired a mortgage specialist to help us through this process. She reviewed our case and felt very confident that she could help us. Three and a half months later, they are playing games with her and with us. They constantly need updated paperwork because they drag their feet and then we are into a new month, they lose faxes and pass the case on to someone else causing set back after set back.

I don't want any major debt forgiven (but if they want to do that I won't say no!) I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because the bank loaned us too much money. I don't want pity or sympathy or anything like that. I just want someone to realize that our intentions and our plans were good and that we just need help to weather this storm. We need a lifeboat to crawl onto until I can get a job (and not one at Wal-Mart or McDonald's). I just want time to work this out. It would be horrible to have our rate raised, lose our house and then the very next year find a job.

I have tried to remain positive and hopeful, but the system is wearing me down. I will pray for strength and guidance and FAITH and know that whatever happens is exactly what is right for us. I also understand that this might not look the way I think it should. What is right, might not mean staying here and I guess that is what is making me sad. Today, I feel like we should just drop the whole process and limp along and let them adjust the rate and see what happens. I just don't like Limbo!

The other thing weighing on me lately is keeping my family safe. I have been really worried about what I will do if there is a major earthquake. I have developed an emergency plan for our household and we have all practiced earthquake and fire drills. I have emergency water, food and supplies and even checked with the RV storage place to make sure that I will have access to the motor home, even if there is an emergency and the power is out. (Part of our plan includes cooking, sleeping and using the bathroom in the motor home if our house is too damaged.) I feel like I am obsessing. I probably am. Every night, I go to sleep and review the plan and jump at every little noise.

Last night I had a horrible night mare that was all about bio-terrorism. It was very scary and the worst part was Gavin's face looking at me and asking me if we were doing to die. The answer was yes, but I lied. The dream was absolutely horrific and went on and on. I would wake up, try to shake it off and then I would go right back into it! I have also had dreams that involve car accidents and one that was about me getting very ill and dying. Apparently my understanding of how helpless I might be in these situations is getting the best of me.

Tonight, I am supposed to go scrapbooking.... I don't even know if I feel like it. I just want to sit with my family and hold them close and never ever let them go. I love and cherish them so much I just do not know what I would do if anything ever happened to them. Yet I know, that things will happen. They will get sick, they will get their feelings hurt and their hearts broken. They will have car accidents (fender benders only, please), they will get into debt, they will feel sad. I cannot protect them from life, even if I wanted to.

A friend just sent me a text and invited my family to dinner. I think that might be just the right thing for all of us. A night together among friends who know us, love us and understand. A night off. A night away from worry and fear. A night to remind myself of my blessings and the gifts that are right in front of me. The ones that have nothing to do with the house I live in, the clothes that I wear, or the car that I drive. Love, Joy, Family. I do not need any more than these. Except maybe a new pair of shoes and a nice chocolate bar once in a while. I know that these feeling will pass and that there is just a lot to sort out right now. Thank you for listening and praying and loving me through it.