Wow... I haven't been HERE in a long time!

My last post was in 2012.... 3 years ago.  Time has zipped on by.  I didn't even remember the address or have the link to get here... and the door certainly creaked open as I dusted off the cobwebs to creep in. 

I am not sure if I will keep this blog up, I think about writing to it often but time is so short and FB is so fast and easy.  But, I miss writing - really writing.  I was asked to write an article today and I found it rather challenging.  I felt overwhelmed at the idea of putting my thoughts together in a cohesive way.  I wonder if what I say matters to anyone.  Am I just talking to myself?  I did have two people say to me, that they miss reading my blog.  They miss my insight and my humor.  Could I get this up and going again?

I definitely need to find a way to preserve these pages.  I said a lot here.  I learned a lot here.  Some of my posts were incredible, even though most were of the "mundane" day to day stuff.  I have since learned that the "mundane" was truly spectacular and that all of those experiences is what life really is.  Fabulous regularity.  Dinner, talks, walks, dishes, laughs, bed time, even tantrums.

So, for now.... this place will sit... sometimes visited and sometimes not.  I did learn that my blog was viewed 89 times last MONTH!!!???  Wow... I do wonder what people were looking for.  I wonder if they found it.

To the few who will read this... thank you for being there.  I hope to see you again soon.

Workin' Again

I know that many of you see my updates on Face Book... but for those of you that don't.... I have been working full time for an organization called, California Virtual Acadamies.  It is an online, homeschool program and I am the teacher/administrator for a class of 28 students.  They are 2nd - 8th graders and I work from home, just like they do.  There is not much "teaching" involved so I really miss that aspect, but I do love being home and available to my family and I am still doing "important" work.  There has been a very steep learning curve and it has been rough adjusting.  The work load is VERY intense and I find myself working late into the night sometimes.  I was hired as a long term sub and will contiune through May, when our school year ends.  I am hoping to be hired back in the fall as a full time teacher.  Keeping fingers and toes crossed on that one! 

I just spent the early morning hours drinking coffee and catching up on Blogs I have not read in a while.  I miss writing and reading ... but I think that things are settling down!

Don't stop checking in!  I might just pull a rabbit out of my hat and write something deep and profound, or something so funny you will find yourself ROFL!  But, really... most likely you will find some simple updates and maybe a photo or two.  Until then....

And now... time for a quick crafting break.

Heads Up people!  I think a miracle may have occurred!  I actually had time to get a wee bit creative this weekend!  But, I had so many other things to do, I actually felt a little guilty!

I was working my buns off and running around in circles on Saturday morning.  In between checking my lists and nagging the kids to get their work done, I ran out to the garage to put something away (ie: threw it on the giant pile of stuff that needs to get put away!)  While I was out there, I noticed that the items from the last Costco run had not been shelved so I proceeded to unpack the tissue, toilet paper and the paper towels and put them neatly on the shelf.  Then I moved over to another pile that I thought I could easily straighten up when I spied them!  Oatmeal boxes, 3 of them!  I had JUST seen a great idea on Pinterest (oh, the ideas that you can get there... trouble!) and thought, I should do that NOW, before I forget.

I quickly came inside and fired up my trusty glue gun, both of them actually... a super hot, burn the material you are working with type, and a not so hot and will barely hold anything type.  I also grabbed some left over fabric and some ribbon and started working away!  How excited I was to learn that oatmeal boxes are just about 1/4 yard wide!!!!  That was what the width of my fabric was... yay!

I covered the first box with some left over material from another family room project and covered the raw edges with ribbon.  It looked sooooo cool!  I realized that it could not be used for it's original intention, but rather could make a handsome remote control container!  Here it is!  I tried to cover the inside with white contact paper, but it didn't work.  I considered painting it, but feared it would buckle.  I decide to like the look of raw cardboard.

Next, I covered the other two boxes with the material that I bought "just in case" for that family room project.  I used some scrap ribbon and finished the two boxes off.  They are PERFECT for storing all of Ella's headbands.  I stashed extra hair nets, bobby pins and rubber bands in the bottom one and put all of her cloth type headbands in the top one.  Stacked on top of each other, they hardly take up any counter space AND she can see all of her headbands at a glance!  Yeah... I feel like I totally rock.






















On Super Bowl Sunday, we had some friends over.  I got to cook with Andy, which is always fun!  He made Moroccan Sweet Potato Fries and Bacon Wrapped Brown Sugar Smokies and I whipped up salsa and 7 Layer Dip.  We laid out a yummy spread and a nicely stocked bar.  Then I made some homemade frosting for my Football Cupcakes!  Delish and cute too!  Since we had some left overs from Ella's birthday party, we put out a Peanut Butter Sandwich Bar for dessert.  The food was glorious and the company great!  Thanks everyone for a nice Sunday!


















Crafty and Cooking! That is the way I like to spend my weekend, even though it meant that some of my to-do list got pushed to Monday!

Side note:  WOW!!!  I love the new publishing aspect of Blogger!  So much easier!  Yay!  (except that it did not publish the way it looked when I was done.. boo!)

Time keeps on slippin... into the future....

I have the greatest plans, and then life happens! I have a couple of good, deep, meaningful posts that are just waiting to be finished but life keeps on "getting in the way."

Not really, it is the life I want after all!

We went to New York during the summer along with a lot of camping so that was good times for sure! I also had some minor surgery to help repair the damage to the urinary tract system that was caused by childbirth. Not such fun times, but the results are AMAZING!

I am still without permanent and full time work. I have been subbing, organizing, cleaning and bookkeeping for money. A few things here and there, but nothing substantial. I have applied for some jobs, gotten a few rejections, but more "wait and see" than anything else.

The family is good and growing. I have been volunteering in the classrooms and have taken on the role of co-leader for Ella's Daisy Scout troop. Gavin is now on medication for ADHD and it helps greatly. He is on a very low dose and it seems to "take the edge off" for him, he is better able to concentrate and has more control over his emotions.

Andy and I managed a little Vegas escape right after Christmas and then came home to support a family that we are very close with as they helped their father transition from this world to the next. It was an exhausting and very sad time, and will be for a long time to come. We are thankful and better for having known Rosario Bono and look forward to meeting him again someday!

We stayed at the Aria in the City Center... awesome! We were there with several other couples to celebrate Giacomo Bono's 40th Birthday! Incredible!

Instead of gambling our money away, we placed our bets on a sure thing and saw the Elvis show! It was so much fun and the best part was...it was in our hotel! Just a short walk to the elevators and we were in our room 15 minutes after the show ended!

Hanging out at the Bellagio... strolling and talking and relaxing.

We just celebrated Ella's 7h birthday and that seems impossible! But we had a "Candy Bar" party and so much fun.

Showing off her lollipop garden and new outfit from Justice! Ready for the guests to arrive.

Candy button cake. Thank you Pinterest!

The "Candy Bar".

The Peanut Butter Sandwich Bar.... lots of choices here! PB, fudge, jelly, marshmallow creme and minis, chopped up candy bars, fruit, granola, potato chips. The girls made some amazing creations. My fav: Creamy PB, cocoa spread, twix and strawberry. Ella's fav: Creamy PB, marshmallow fluff, mini marshmallows, m&m's and sprinkles.

I am going to try to post more often... especially now that I have a more reliable computer. So, hopefully... you will see me around!

Crossing the Threshold

There are times in our lives that are like no other. There are moments when we change, forever. When you had your tenth birthday, you said good-bye to single digit ages - forever. When you lost your last baby tooth, you (hopefully) would never have that funny wiggling sensation again. After your first kiss, you would never again be a person who had never been kissed.

Life is like that and sometimes we pay little attention to the times when we crossed over and yet, other times it is so poignant and significant we remember it for the rest of our lives. It shapes who we are becoming and adds to the construction of our memories and our personality.

Marriage. It is a big change, it is a huge commitment. It is the act of making a promise to be by someone's side as their partner - forever. For some women, it means changing your name. The name that you have had since you were born, will now be erased and a new name will be a part of the new person that you are becoming. This was so significant for me that I pulled away from the idea. My name, I thought, is ME. It is my label. It is who I am. I knew that I wanted a partner, but I did not think that I wanted to change who I am. If you take the label off a carton of milk and change it to say lemonade...nobody will really know what is inside. And, what a terrible shock to someone who assumes that they are pouring lemonade and come out with a glass of milk. I was torn on this, but eventually, I realized that no matter what the label says, the milk... is still milk. What I didn't know at the time, is that I would change right along with my label. I was becoming someone different than I was before. I was becoming a wife, a partner and Mrs. Huffaker. Twelve years later and I am still struggling with who Mrs. Huffaker is, but I think I am getting to know her and ... well, she is pretty cool. Not the same as Miss Yvonne Cutler, but pretty cool nonetheless.

Marriage - threshold

From Mother to Son - Crystal Stair

Well, son, I'll tell you:

Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

It's had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I'se been a-climbin' on,

And reachin' landin's,

And turnin' corners,

And sometimes goin' in the dark

Where there ain't been no light.

So, boy, don't you turn back.

Don't you set down on the steps.

'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.

Don't you fall now—

For I'se still goin', honey,

I'se still climbin',

And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Langston Hughes, 1922

Ugh... blogger

I did not intend for that last post to be one long run on paragraph, but after formatting and re-formatting it 4 times and having blogger change it back.. I surrender.

Weighing In

Just finished up my Spring Break. I don't think that the word "break" and the word "mother" belong together in any thought. I did get to play a little, but I still had to "work" a lot. The kids have break next week and Andy follows that. Kind of a bummer, but I did enjoy some peaceful moments to myself. I tromped my resume all around town and will definitely be on the substitute teacher list for Whittier City next year. Other districts took my application, but I don't really know what my status with them will be yet. I got a chance to go to Arizona and visit with Darci and scrapbook. Our hotel experience was a comedy of errors. We moved rooms once, discovered that we could not shower, could not have dinner at the restaurant and had no microwave. The sink also backed up.... they comped us two out of three nights... so.... I guess it was all good in the end. I also got a lot of scrappin done! I spent a day at Glen Ivy Hot Springs with Kate. Totally relaxing and totally fun. Great day with a great friend. Other days were spent doing paperwork and volunteering at the kids' school. The annual Fun Run was postponed due to rain and was re-scheduled during my break! Yeah! Ella was super cute and Gavin was mostly a blur around the track! I have lost 12 pounds on Weight Watchers and have met my 5% and my 10 pound goals. I am trying to lose 20 all together. (I think) Slowly but surely! Most weeks I weigh in and find I have only lost 1/2 a pound. BUT... it is still a LOSS (that is what the person who weighs me always says!) I can't believe how close we are to the end of the school year! (and how little I have written this year!) I still have lots to say, but I keep falling asleep! Keep on trekking !

Hey There

I am still here... are you? I check other blogs and get really bummed when there is nothing new to read. I wonder, do you check mine and feel the same? I hope so... I mean.. um.... do you miss me? I miss me.

I am good and finally feel settled into my job teaching 2nd grade. I found out that I will not be staying however and that makes me terribly sad, but excited to find out what my next great adventure is going to be. I just hope that it does not involve the unemployment line!

The family is well. Andy got braces and had some teeth removed. That has kind of sucked, but it is not forever. Gavin is struggling with his teacher in the 4th grade. We are going to proceed with testing him for ADD. The principal has pushed this issue so hard and has told us that there will be no changes unless we do this and write a 504 plan for him. The kid is SO smart and is so frustrating! We hope that this plan will make a difference for him. We'll see. Ella is loving Kindergarten! She is a Daisy Girl Scout and has finally made the real leap into reading! We are having sooooo much fun.

I joined Weight Watchers after so many years of doing the plan on my own, I decided that I would pay someone to weigh me. I like the new program it is better for lots of reasons but mostly because I can't just carb out like I used to. I started 5 weeks ago and have lost 7 pounds. That was holiday weight and came off pretty easy. Now on to the tough stuff that has made me hips it's home for the past 6 years! The real bummer is that Andy has lost almost double my weight loss in the same amount of time. Hmmmmm....maybe I should get braces!

I have so many things to write about, but every night I sit on the couch and write lessons until 11 p.m. and then crawl off to bed. Last night I was up until 1:00, and when you get up at 5:30... that is NOT good! I am pooped out and can hardly imagine the hours of work I still need to put in tonight.

Hanging in there.... that is how I feel. Hanging by a very, very fine thread. I am glad that it is strong and 3 ply! Faith, Hope, Love.... it's about all that holds me together.... oh, and a big, strong dose of stress is the glue that keeps me from flying off into a million pieces.

Off to lesson planning I go.... Math and graphing await me! (as does a lawn chair and a cold beer sometime soon... please?)

The end of another year!?!

Yup, another one in the books.

I really can't beleive it. I thought that this might be THE year. The year I stopped yelling, the year I found peace and joy in every mommy task and moment, the year that I stayed on top of projects and household tasks, the year that I caught up (on work, on bills, on scrapbooking), the year that I made more money, the year that I ceased to fight with or be angry with my husband, the year that all of my questions were answered.

It wasn't.

But, it was the year that I finished my masters degree, and got my teaching credential. It was the year that I realized that relying on others and God, was not as scary as I thought that it might be. It was the year that my husband and I came to a new level of understanding and commitment to each other and our marriage. It was the year that I got my first teaching job. It was the year that my baby boy turned 9 and my baby girl turned 5, the end of an era for each of them in a way. It was the year that I found out, who my friends are and what that means to me. It was a year full of fun, trials and learning. A year full of tears, laughter and joy.

Another year of growth and "becoming".

Another year.

Another, coming.

Settling In

Things are settling down, we are finding our new rhythm and adjusting to the new schedule. My meltdowns are less frequent and not as dramatic and I am feeling more confident and in control. At first I was breaking down in tears every couple of days...either because I was overwhelmed by the amount of work in front of me, insecurities about the "office politics", or the feeling of failure to be a great wife and mother amidst it all.

Now, I feel like I am done freaking out (I am not saying that I won't still freak out on occasion). But, I am chaneling my energy in a more positive way and I am finding ways to connect with my husband and kids. I may not spend as MUCH time with them, but I am trying to make sure that the time is QUALITY. Today, Gavin and I played a couple of rounds of War and I sat with Ella while she picked out her clothes for the week. Andy and I took advantage of a kid free two hours on Sunday and sat together before heading out to Target.

The holidays are coming and I know that they will provide some more challenges to overcome, but I am ready. Heck, they are coming whether I am ready... or not.

Who has time?

I do not have time to blog, I do not have time to think, I barely have time to breathe! Work is good, but full of challenges. Home is good and full of joy. Today, I am home sick. I tried REALLY hard to have a clean time sheet for the month, but last night I had a fever of 100 degrees and decided I had better just stay home to rest. I am resting, but I am trying to get a head start on lessons for next week at the same time.

I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss so many things but only because I have so many other amazing things to fill my time!

Tonight is Gavin's first Webelos meeting and he is so excited that he has read huge chunks of his handbook already! Soccer is going great! We think Ella likes it and know that Gavin LOVES it!

The Halloween decor has started to appear so, even though the 101 degree weather tells me differently, I know that Fall is really here!

Onwards and Upwards!

A new school year is under way!

Ella with her Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Pimper. She is really cool and Ella is having loads of fun!

My sassy fashion plate striking a pose, please note her crazy brother trying to get some attention in the background.

My big upper grader! We cannot beleive that he is in the 4th grade. He has been rising to the challenges so far. He gets to walk to school by himself and even ride his bike one day a week.

Back to School! Yay! I think! Busy and tired pretty much sums up the way I am feeling. I am not sure yet, but I think that being a first year teacher requires almost as much work as my Masters classes! I have stayed late at work almost every night and last week had Parent Orientation and a teacher In service. The kids have started soccer and Ella is back in dance. Tomorrow we will attend the Cub Scout welcome party together. We have been attending a new church and are enjoying it. Especially the kids who are loving having a large group of peers to interact with. (Our Jr. Church program at our former church was extremely small and many weeks it was just the two of them!) I do not have time to write much as it is dinner time on Saturday and I have yet to go to the grocery store! I also have work to do for work. eeek. I did take a nap today, but it did not help much. Hopefully a quiet evening at home with my family will cure what is ailing me and I can get recharged for another week of adventure!

The kids are settling in well to their school schedules and Ella has already had her first Back to School cold. She shared it with Andy, so he is a bit under the weather today but he still took time to kick the soccer ball around with the kids. We will be having a gourmet dinner tonight, prepared by my personal chef. Oh... sorry... I slipped into a fantasy for a moment! We are having chicken nuggets and mac and cheese (the yellow kind from a blue box) for dinner tonight. Neither Andy or myself could muster the energy for much more.

I am learning how to juggle all of the responsiblity of working full time, taking care of my family and home and not forgeting to take care of ME too. Last week I got a C for that one. Two nights I was showered with my teeth brushed and in bed reading a book before 10. Those were A nights. Two nights I fell asleep on the couch in a crazy contourted position, watching trash reality t.v. and then crawled off to bed with fuzzy teeth, stripped off my clothes and colapsed. It was after midnight. Those nights earned my an F. Good thing we work on averages here!

Looking to more A days in all ways. Wish me luck.

Vacation : Part II

So, we took the vaca up north and then we came home for a few days because the kids had Reading Club parties at the library and Andy had to work for a day and a half. Then, we packed up and headed south to San Diego. We stayed at my Dad and Stepmom's place which we affectionately call "Casa de Cutler". It was really awesome to visit with them without all of the chaos and mayhem of the holidays and loads of other guests around.

We stayed for a week and did LOTS of sight seeing. My dad was able to take some time off and join us and we got to see Leah in the evenings and on the weekend. We ate some awesome meals and had plenty of time to relax.

Our first day, we went to Balboa Park. While there we visited the Japanese Friendship Garden

and then headed to the Museum of Man. Later, we lunched near the Arboretum and walked through it to see all of the plants.

The next day we were off on a boat ride with my Dad out on Mission Bay. Ella and Gavin each got a chance to drive.

We couldn't seem to get enough of boats and bays, so we went down to Seaport Village to take the SEAL (Sea and Land) tour. It is a bus that turns into a boat and Ella was infatuated with the idea of riding it.

While out on the water we saw lots of boats and military aircraft... and ... Sea Lions!

The kids were made Jr. First Mates! They thought it was pretty fun, and so did we!

We went to an old haunt, "Rockin' Baja Lobster" and had a great dinner before heading to Sea World to catch the night shows and fireworks. We had been on another day to hang out and ride the "wet rides", my Dad and cousin Valerie and family joined us that day.

The weekend came fast and we were off to the Cabrillo Monument and Lighthouse. I read the kids a book called, "The Ghosts of Cabrillo Lighthouse" that my Gramma had given me as a kid. It put some excitement into the visit!

At the Cabrillo Monument the kids did the Jr. Ranger program and learned a bit about Cabrillo and the Spanish explorers.

The got to try on the armor and check out a sword! Doesn't Ella look ready for battle?

On our last day, we went to visit my Dad's horse, Shadow. We all had a chance to ride and then the kids got to brush him down before he settled in for the night. I am an experienced rider, but was a bit leery of Shadow, he has been known to be rascally. I would not have had my Dad lead him, but I had Ella and did not feel like I could control him and keep her on at the same time.

Andy really loves riding, even though he has only been a few times.

Gavin fell in love with riding last summer and would love to take lessons (and own a horse!)

So, that was our trip. Now we are looking back on the memories and looking ahead to the school year! Hope that you found ways to connect, relax and enjoy the summer!

Y'all ready for this?

Back to school!!!! I had really hoped to have my newest post done before this day, but alas... that has not occured. I have some thoughts brewing around in my head that have only partially made it to "paper", but they will have to wait!

In the mean time, here are the pics from our vacation (Part 1 at least). They are not in order, because Blogger kind of sucks that way. I still have not found a successful way to move the pics around... have you?

We started our camping trip in Pismo Beach, then drove Highway 1 to Monterey and then headed to the Redwoods of Santa Cruz. We traveled with some of our favorite friends who rented a motorhome so that they could join us on the adventure. We parted ways in Santa Cruz, they headed home and we journeyed on to the Jelly Belly Factory where we took the super deluxe floor tour! We stopped for a few days to visit family in Fresno and then headed home for a couple of days.

Vacation Part 2 was in San Diego, and maybe tomorrow I will have time to post some pics from that! For now, I have finished my duties for the evening and am going to sit on the couch and watch "smut" as my husband refers to it. The Bachelor Pad.. pretty smutty.... but hillarious.

The kids anxiously awaiting to go in for our tour of "Mecca"

All suited up and ready to see Jelly Belly's being made!

The entire crew (minus the photographer!)

Gavin in front of the train that we rode through the redwoods. He might be 9, but he still thinks that trains are pretty darned cool!

Dad and Ella exploring the Tide Pools along 17 mile drive in Monterey (now dubbed 17 HOUR drive by our family)

Those crazy dunes in Pismo.. boy did they have a BLAST!!!!!

Dad and Ella in front of the one remaining bridge at Natural Bridges - Santa Cruz

View of Morro Rock - ummmm.... yeah... it was cold.... and this was one of our warmer days.

A 5 year old silly girl, some stickers and a 4 hour car ride produces some outlandish photo ops.

On Vacation

I am around! We are still on vacation. Even though we are at home. We headed North and froze to death at the beach, marveled at the Redwood forest and visited the birthplace of Gavin's favorite candy. I am not going to go into detail now, but promise to post pictures soon. We are home for the weekend to rest and do laundry and get ready to head South to San Diego for a week of play and rest down there!

I found the coolest website, Food On The Table, that helps utilizes the sales at your local market and creates a menu for you for the week. Since I am headed out of town, I just did a quick meal plan and found it to be easy, fast and wicked cool! Thought I would share! http://www.foodonthetable.com/dashboard

Enjoy! I know that I will.

Oh, and for any of my local friends... I really miss you all! Let's get together soon!

Enjoying Summer

Now that the first full month of my summer vacation is almost over, I really feel like I am "into" it! (Especially since the sun decided to come out for two whole days in a row! Very strange to have had such cloudy and cold weather for so long!) We did our traditional weekend in Chula Vista and had a great time. It was really relaxing! The kids are getting easier every year and Andy and I are loving the time spent with them.

The kids went to Broadoaks Science Academy for the first two weeks of summer while I was still working. It was really cool to be on the same campus, but I am even firmer in my belief that it is good for us to be at different schools. Gavin took tennis lessons (and even walked across the college campus by himself to come to academy! Wow! What a big kid!) and the kids had swim lessons at a new pool this year. They learned a lot and had fun (except for the first week that was super cold). We did the summer reading program, went to the Farmer's Market, saw a free movie, went bowling, had the a/c fan replaced, did some home repairs, attended a birthday party, went to a baseball game, hung out with the Arizona Huffakers, swam in the pool, went to the Santa Ana Discovery Center and played at Jumpin' Jammin'. Whew!

I also worked with each kid to do a full room clean out! Each one took two days and from each bedroom we got two bags of trash and one big bag for our next yard sale. Whew! Clean and organized! Not the most fun you can have ... but needed nonetheless! I have also cleaned out several closets and the vacuum cleaner.. gross.

Last weekend Ella performed in her first real dance recital! She was in "Little Miss Muffet" and did a GREAT job. She has proclaimed that she wants to dance forever and Gavin is insisting on signing up for the hip hop class that the studio offers!

This week the kids have been back at Science Academy for dissection week and have looked at brains, hearts, lungs and eyeballs! Strange that Gavin's class is also doing Cooking Academy this week... kind of gross, really! They are also working on acts for the Talent Show! I am home alone and have found time to shop and relax and clean and SCRAPBOOK! I was hoping to "catch up" on Ella's book, but I am still terribly behind. I have had a nice time, but it is getting a bit lonely.
Not to worry, I will not be lonely tomorrow and Saturday when I have a class! Yup... back to school! Just for two days though! I am going to a "Step Up To Writing" class that the rest of my teaching team will also be attending. It will be fun, but feels a bit intrusive during my time of relaxation!

This weekend we will head out for our vacation! Andy is finally going to be done with work for the summer and we are headed north! Pismo, Monterey, Santa Cruz.... and then way down south to San Diego! Can't wait, but should probably get back to the laundry so that we all have clean clothes to wear!

Is your life turning out the way you thought it would?

Hmmmmm..... Someone posed that question to me about a month ago and it caused me to pause and think. Has it? Will it? Did I ever think about what might life would or could be like?

I think, that when we are children, we don't think about this much. We wake up and see what the day has in store for us. At the end of the day, we can decide whether it was a good day, or a bad day. Then, we go to sleep and start all over again. At what age, do we start to "plan" for tomorrow? When do we go from living in the moment to planning every second?

Did you ever dream about your life? Did you think about having kids? Did you envision your wedding? When did it start? Do you think about your future now? Do you plan for it? Do you spend most of your day looking back, instead of looking forward?

I know that I hoped that I would have kids someday. That is about as far as I ever got in making a plan! I know that when I hear people say, "I always imagined my husband/wedding day/wedding dress..." I think to myself, "I never did that!" I never imagined my wedding day! I never pictured myself in a white dress! I thought about getting married and hoped that I would meet someone to spend my life with, but I certainly never spent hours fantasizing about it! That was good, and bad when it came down to planning! I had no vision or expectation to meet, but... I had no vision or expectation to meet. Do you see the problem? It left all possibilities open to me, but I really had to start from scratch and the ladies at the dress shop (and the cake shop and the reception facility) could not believe that I had NO IDEA what I wanted! I don't remember ever playing dress up as a child (except on Halloween and then I was usually an animal - or a cocktail olive as my turtle costume was mistaken for.) I don't know if this was because of a lack of interest, or a lack of available dress up clothes. Either way, I didn't do it. My wedding was beautiful and incredible and I could not have imagined it any better! Was this because I had no vision? Maybe.

This kind of open minded attitude works well for some situations (like weddings and finding mates) but not always. In trying to decide on a career path I have found that not having a plan or a vision has been really tough. I don't think that I thought about "what I want to be when I grow up" unless the issue was forced by a school teacher. I do remember having to write a "career" report in Jr. High. I chose: "cartoonist", "bus driver" and "teacher". (don't ask about the bus driver.. it had more to do with available interviewees and a funny sketch of a witch driving a buss than a true desire) As a child, I always thought that I would be a teacher. I didn't plan for it but I just thought that I would be.

Sometimes I wonder if I just thought that I would be at school forever. Maybe I didn't think that I would teach, but just that I would never have to leave school....never have to choose, never have to grow up? Was this really a vision, or was it just the childish way of thinking that leads us from one day to the next? Was this healthy? Was it helpful? Is it now? I wish that I had developed some kind of plan for my life...but then again....

My life has been one heck of an adventure! I have had jobs working with kids, in a library, stocking shelves, selling and painting hand painted clothing, doing inventory, teaching archery, coordinating weddings, bookkeeping, data entry, planning events at a night club, being a research assistant for a professor, acting as a personal assistant, teaching, parking cars and introducing people to Mr. Lincoln! I don't think that ANY of that was planned! I went to Whittier College and met the most amazing people (one of whom I am now married to), I have traveled to Oregon, Washington, Arizona, Utah, N and S Dakota, Wyoming, Nevada, Idaho, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut, Maine, D.C., India, England, Holland, Belgium, Mexico, the Cayman Islands, Jamaica and all over California. NONE of that had any more planning than a month (maybe a few more to go to India). I have lived in several apartments and houses and currently hold a mortgage on one. No advanced planning.... bought a motorhome, found a great job, became a godparent.. nope... no planning!

Those of you who know me well, might find this entertaining. I am a planner! I make long lists and elaborate plans. But, what I have come to realize is that these are all about the little things. I make plans for the weekend, I write out menus and shopping lists and to-do lists. I plan parties- the food, the layout, the gifts, the music, the decor. I choose my clothes for the next day (and sometimes the entire week) ahead of time. The little things. The big things I seem to be able to let happen. I have let my life unfold before me and what I see amazes me!

The one exception was my babies. They were planned. Very well planned. But, then again having babies (as I said earlier) was the only vision that I ever had! I see how difficult it was to have a vision! I was completely neurotic about conception, diet, documentation of all things pregnancy and baby related. I had to have the decor in the nursery "just so". Ask my mom! She shopped with me for bedding for Gavin's room. I must have gone to 5 different stores and looked at 100 different options before deciding on the one that was PERFECT. Same for Ella's, but I spent hours on line shopping. I kept amazing pregnancy journals and baby books for both kids and I agonized over their first birthday parties. Having a vision, was exhausting and frequently disappointing.

So then, I wonder... how do I guide my children? How do I give them enough structure to build a plan without leading them to construct their entire life before it even begins? How do I teach them to plan, a little bit? Do I encourage them to think of their future and question themselves about what they want, what they feel passionate about, and what their vision might look like? Or do I set them loose and let them wander and see where they end up? I hope that I can find a way to do a little of both.

The fact that I never really had a plan led me to an amazing place but it was not an easy place to get to. I took a great deal of wrong turns, drove down dirt roads, found dead ends, met obstacles and "hitch hiking ghosts", ran out of gas, got flat tires and became desperately lost without a map. I found my way. I wish that I had been given a map. At least with a map, you know what is possible. You know what choices you can make. You can see where you are going and where you might end up. You can decide where it is you are headed and see where you have been. You can look up a highway when there is construction on the back road that you've been traveling on.....or.... you can just crumple it up and drive whichever way your heart leads you.

I guess I will try to help my children create a map for their lives. In it we will detail the possible routes and roads to take them to their desired destinations. We will figure out how many miles each trip might be, how long it might take to get there and what they might need along the way. After we finish the map and they are happy with it... I will tell them, that it is o.k. to leave it in the glove box, sometimes.

A quick update

Happy 11 Year Anniversary Picture

The graduate and her family who saw her through!

There has been so much going on here, I have hardly had time to think, let alone blog!

First: I finished!!!! I did it!!!! I graduated and did it with honors! It is still hard to believe and has not really sunk in yet, but I now have my Masters in Education and have applied for my Preliminary Teaching Credential for the State of California. Whew! A long haul, but definitely worth it!

Second: We partied! I had a whole crew at the ceremony rooting for me, which included my kids and my awesome husband. It was really neat! We had about 25 people over for a big

bar-b-que and had a great time. We also hosted my dad and step-mom, my aunt and uncle (who are also my god-parents) and my aunt from New York for the entire weekend! We hiked in the hills, went out to eat AND got to go and see my younger brother perform in a play that he is staring in! My cousin and her family came down from Oregon and we celebrated her 40th birthday with a little pary at our house and we also got to join them at Disneyland! My kids both rode their first "real" roller coaster (Space Mountain) that day AND it was the first time to Dland withOUT a stroller!

Third: It sounds like our home loan modification will be going through. We heard that our file is done and that they should have an offer for us by the 15th. We just hope that it is something good that we can work with. We are having faith that it will be.

Fourth: I got a job!!!! I was offered a position at Broadoaks (the private school associated with Whittier College where I have been working for the past year as a Grad Fellow). I cannot yet say what grade I am teaching as they don't like to make this public until right before the start of the school year, but it is a grade that I am happy with and I will be working with a team of three other teachers who totally rock! The position is a Credentialed Internship (read: the pay is still low), but it is a job working at a place that I love and I am really excited about the upcoming year!

Fifth: I have the summer off and Andy got a summer school job. This is what we had hoped for (although I always wish that he was going to be home all summer too...it is better financially and he says that he would go crazy being off for that long). I am going to chill with the kids, be their taxi service and enjoy long weekends (Andy has every Friday off!) We are going to have three weeks of vacation over the summer and have started planning our camping trip to the Northern California coast!

*We have also been to Sea World a couple of times and had our first camping trip of the season! We went to Leo Carrillo (just North of Malibu) and visited the tide pools, had a campfire and RELAXED!!! Andy and I celebrated our anniversary while camping...Hamburger Helper and S'mores... we can tell we have been together a while! We have some home project ideas in the works, but nothing is started just yet.

That is it for my updates... I have been thinking about a couple of posts and maybe now I will have time to write them. I found myself completely exhausted (not to mention 5 pounds heavier - ugh) after the last week of preparations and celebrations and have not been feeling well. I went to bed at 7:00 one night and slept all night, then I slept in on Saturday and later took a 5 hour "nap". I still went to bed at 11:00 and slept all night long. My stomach is still upset, but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel tired! It may take a few weeks to recover from the last two years, but I am feeling so excited for whatever is coming next. Life is so good I can hardly stand it!

Finally, for those of you who couldn't be at the ceremony.. here is the good part.. my name being called and my hood and diploma being awarded! YEEEEEHAW!!!!

New musings

I know that I sounded very down last week, but... that is just the way it goes sometimes. I am really doing very well and have taken this time to think and meditate and muse upon what it is that I really want. I don't know if I have an answer, but it is forming.

At church last week, our minister said something that made me think. (Well, she usually does, but this gem hit me right between the eyes!) The quote was, "We can choose our actions, but we cannot chose our consequences." WOW!!!! Yes!!!! I can make all of the choices that I want, but I cannot decide what will happen because of them. I can drive 90 miles an hour down the freeway, that is my choice! But, I cannot choose what might happen because of it. I could get into an accident, I could hurt others, I could get a ticket! The way I really connected it with my life is: I chose to buy this house, with a big 'ol mortgage. That was my choice. The consequence for that choice is that I have to go to work full time. (the consequences of that are many!) Therefore, I must be very clear with myself, that I am o.k. with that consequence. If I am not, then maybe I need to make a different choice!

I know that I want to be right here in this house, with my family. Maybe giving up the house is not "it", maybe it is giving up some of the "stuff" that we do. We do a lot! Concerts for the kids, sports, lesson, classes, lots of stuff.

This summer, it does not look like we are going to have much money so, I have had to start thinking about what we will not be able to do. By doing this however, I have started to see all of the things that we CAN do! If we do not have to be up early for Sports Camp, we can sleep in! If we do not have to keep to a schedule for swim lessons, we can go on an all day adventure. If we do not drive all over creation, we can play in our own backyard. If we do not have a ton of commitments, we are free to read, swim, drink kool aid and hang out together! It is starting to sound really good.

I am still working through all of this "stuff"... but I am getting there... I feel it... I am growing, again!